This Glamorous Life

Cleanse

2011-06-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

I finished the cleanse! Yesterday was my last day of the juices and today is my first day of transition back into "normal" food. By normal I'm sincerely meaning a much cleaner/healthier menu selections and days filled with exercise. The career I have chosen demands I be in tip top shape and my wedding just four months away really has me motivated to change my life.

The prep days were more difficult than I anticipated and severely harder than the actual days of juice on the cleanse. I sticked to the same menu choices I had already made for myself, but I found myself very uncomfortable. Around 3:00pm I got really tired. In fact, the second day of the prep I had to take a nap. On the 3rd day of the prep my digestion system was having problems with only salads, hummus, guac, veggie broth, and veggies. By the end of the 3rd day of the prep I wasn't sure I was going to be up for this.

To my surprise my system felt relief when I started juicing. I'm still not entirely sure I did the prep and the transition out correctly because I felt amazing on the juice. First of all, having meals on the go that are good for you is a blessing. I was never hungry. In fact, I sat at restaurants with friends and didn't crave eating. The last juice of the day is a cashew milk, and it's very filling. I sat at a pool table on the 2nd night and forgot for a second I was juicing. I thought, "What did I eat tonight that I feel so full." It was amazing. I never had to think about what I was going to have for meals and snacks. This cleared up space in my brain to think about school, work, wedding and musical theater. I rested better than I can remember. I woke up in the morning NOT feeling tired. I couldn't believe it. By the 3rd day I started to think maybe I could work out. I had been advised to listen to my body because I could feel tired or perhaps week in which case working out would be a bad idea. I felt great both days and it was the last day of juicing so I thought what the heck. I happened to chose a very tough class offered this summer through school called "Total Body Workout." The first time I went, a few weeks ago, I thought I was going to puke. Not yesterday. The class was very difficult, but I got through it. I hadn't worked out since before I left for Vegas over memorial day weekend. It had been two weeks. I felt very proud of myself for finishing that class well given that I had been on a strict diet, juiced, and had taken two weeks off to focus on food. I even woke up today not feeling as sore as I thought I was going to feel.

I woke up this morning filled with pride for completing this dieting task that I have been working on for the past twentyish days. I still have a ways to go with my exercise to finish getting into tip top shape, but I feel great about where I am at with my eating. Tomorrow finally came....

Pre-Cana

2011-06-13T19:51:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday Mike and I participated in our 1st out of 2 pre-Cana classes required to marry in a Catholic church. We reserved our spot in these classes months earlier. So, in the weeks leading up to the classes there was a lot of anxiety about what exactly was going to be talked about for both of us. Mike was very concerned that I was going to become very preachy and argue with the priest instead of saying my pre-rehearsed phrases. I had given strict instructions on what to say back to the priest if he had any questions for me. I could choose between these phrases: "yes, sir" -"I believe in the Catholic church and all the values." - "You're right, sir." I had visions of a priest standing up in front of the room lecturing us on natural family methods and us hiding in the back of the room trying to figure out a different New York address I could put down as my own instead of the address we share together. The horrific nightmare stayed with me all the way up to the L train ride over to the church where my instructional phrases were being repeated to me over and over and over again.

As per usual, I'm always afraid of being late and I wanted to make sure we got there in time aaaaaaaaaand we were the first ones there. We were in a church school's gymnasium and it felt like being in junior high again waiting for the assembly to start! There were 70 couples waiting to arrive, thus, 140 people. We sat anxiously in our little chairs in the back and to our surprise the class turned out to be a great success and a lot of fun. The class was taught by a married couple that volunteers at the church. They had been married 39 years and were gracious enough to share some really personal stories about their own marriage. We took surveys on different subjects like, financial concerns, kids, conflict resolution, and of course we talked about sex. We had to guess each others answers and I was pleased to find out that we guessed what each other would say fairly well. Mike and I are really intuitive that way and are good at being able to know how the other person is going to respond. It's a great skill for building offensive tactics. Seriously, we got to talking about stuff that we've talked about but we really started to talk about it deeper. I learned some new stuff that I hadn't learned before but I also rediscovered all the reasons why we're going to be happy together in the future.

Cleanse Prep

2011-06-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dieting is hard. I mean really hard. Especially when you're sitting around a table with four fabulous girls in a really quaint restaurant in Greenwich Village and all you really want is to eat a one of the french fries sitting on the plate of your girl friends.

Yeah, I know how you feel. That was me last night, and I gave in. I ate a very tasty little french fry! Luckily, I was able to stop myself and not eat the entire plate because it did taste like a salt lick. I have to praise every accomplishment because the old me would have eaten every french fry on that plate. I probably would have licked the rest of the salt on the plate. New me - only ate a couple.

I walked out of the restaurant feeling proud and defeated at the same time. On the one hand, I felt like an addict. Everything inside of me was telling me not to eat it, but my physical salivating reaction said EAT IT! I gave in. On the other hand, I managed to just have a taste and walk away. In the past, if I cheated, I'd just eat whatever I wanted for the rest of the day including french fries, sweet treats and big portions of them both. I also felt ok because yesterday was the last day that I could cheat because I'm starting my juice cleanse on Monday. Thus, today was the first day of the prep day with no cheats allowed.

For breakfast I had a grapefruit.

Then for lunch I had a Lara Bar and some fruit.

Dinner I had some guacamole with corn tortillas and boiled artichokes.

Simple and small raw food meals is how to prep for the cleanse. Earlier this week I gave up the rest of dairy, coffee and meat. I switched to decaf and added almond milk. Then I stopped eating chicken and turkey replacing it with eggs. Then yesterday I stopped eating eggs. Now, I just have to eat cleanly like that for the next two days and Monday I start the juicing. I'm a little nervous about it, but excited at the same time!

Speechless

2011-06-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting subject: Death.

I myself have been blessed to never feel the true pangs of losing someone incredibly close to me effecting my daily life. However, I have been surrounded by sadness in the last couple of months with the passing of my grandmother, my grandfather and a bartender in my restaurant family with whom I encountered very few times.

I'm amazed and very touched by how people truly come together in times of need. The true survivors of death become surrounded by people who love them and love the person who just recently passed. We often times start to reflect on our own lives and how we can stop taking for granted our loved ones and the passing of time.

Feeling humbled, tonight I pray for all the people who are having to live with the absence of their beloveds. I'm squeezing mine a little tighter tonight and making him go to the doctor and get a full physical work up done.

Ready for a New Me.

2011-06-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

It's summer now which means that it's wedding crunch time.

Ever since the hectic school year ended, I have thrown my life into the cruxes of wedding planning. It's funny the very first thing that pops on when you sign into theknot.com or start doing any type of wedding research the very first ad is, "have you got your personal trainer yet?" The google ads on the side are all about different gyms you can sign up for and you're researching "wedding flowers" It's funny, but it's true.

I'm the first one to admit that I've been complaining about my weight for the last two years and I've done nothing about it. I've tried these fad-esk type diets on for size that just don't stick and I go in and out of working out, but the truth is that I'm just not motivated or consistent enough. After I stuffed my face in Vegas for my dear friend's wedding, I got home and said, "if my wedding isn't going to motivate me to get into a healthier and better physical shape and life-style, then nothing will."

So, for the next few weeks I'm turning my diet upside down.
For the first two weeks I'm doing a sugar control diet. The idea of this is to help the body deal with the addiction to sugar, keeping the blood sugar levels balanced by eating good fats and protein, and eating small portions 6 times a day. I usually start the morning off with two hard boiled eggs, a snack, lunch which is usually a leafy salad, a snack, then dinner which is usually chicken and a veggie. Snacks can be 1 piece of dark fruit that is low on the glycemic index like green apples, lemons or oranges. A handful of almonds, half an avocado with olive oil spread on it and some sea salt. I'm actually finding that I can only fit 5 meals in a day, which my nutritionist said was ok. Yesterday, I fit another snack in after dinner because my waking hours were much longer. You're supposed to eat every 2-3 hours and I've been leaving 2 hours after my last meal to digest and then I go to bed.

Then after the two weeks is over - I'm going on a 3 day raw food diet which will be all veggies with some olive oil. My body will have to have healthy fats like olive oil, coconut oil, almonds, and flax seed oil to help keep my blood sugar levels neutral. The fat also helps keep the body full longer.

Today is the end of day 5, and this was my menu for today.

Breakfast-
Grilled Chicken Skewers... ok, I know this sounds weird, but I closed the restaurant last night so I wasn't home until 2:30am. Thus, I didn't wake up until noon. It was already lunch time.

Snack
a handful of almonds.

Lunch
I had this amazing shake at this health food store made with almond milk and some fruit. (I probably should have some more protein, but eh.. it's ok.)

Snack
Almonds

Dinner
Grilled breast of Chicken with asparagus. Now, the asparagus had some hardboiled egg on top with a little bit of buttered balsamic vinegar poured over it.

The trouble that I have been finding is that I'm getting bored with my options of what to eat. Sometimes I have egg twice and chicken twice! I did however buy two new cookbooks to help spice up my different veggies and proteins. I'm also a little worried about transitioning from the sugar control diet into the detox juice cleanse because I'm hoping that the prep and the juice will keep my blood sugar stabilized enough. The sugar control diet is high in fat and in protein and sugar too but mostly from leafy greens and other veggies. The juicing will bring a higher fruit content.

My hopes with for the next three weeks is to deal with my carb/sugar addiction then detox the body, and give my body a new way of eating while working out in the hopes of getting into shape and getting rid of the access fat that I'm always complaining about. It's time for a change. I'm ready for a new me.

Rome, Italy March 2011

2011-04-03T17:06:00.001-07:00

While in Rome, I wrote 20 pages detailing my vacation, but then I got back to the States and hit the ground running with school. I had the intent to give a detailed report of everything we did, but then I lost my desire to write it down because of being bogged down with school. This weekend I've had some time so I popped in the movie "Eat Pray Love," since I didn't finish the movie on the plane and I felt inspired. Instead of writing every detail - I figured I'd just post the highlights.

We left the house in NYC at 2pm for a 6:40pm flight. The train ride to JFK was the worst part of the entire travel experience because we were cramped in a tiny car with 5 pieces of luggage and one million people. Due to the last horrifying experience I had in Italy where they lost my luggage for 5 days and the only thing I had with me was one pair of extra underwear, we decided to only check one joint suitcase filled with the items to give to his sister, who is studying abroad this semester and our toiletries. The flight to London was super easy breezy sicne it's only an extra 30 min than what I'm used to flying to California. Plus, British Airways makes you feel like royalty: first we had a free cocktail hour followed by an actual hot meal with deserts. Then coffee and tea and then they served us a continental breakfast. Our layover in London was only an hour and we had to go through security again which caused use to race on to the plane putting us in Rome a mere two hours later.

We landed at 11:30am their time - went to baggage claim and the 1 bag that we checked didn't make it on the plane because our connection was too tight. I couldn't help but laugh considering the last time I arrived in Rome by luggage took five days to arrive and join me. At least this time I had all my clothes with me and they knew exactly where the baggage was and assures us that when we got home to the hotel that night the luggage would be there - sure enough it was there. We enjoyed a quick cab ride over to our hotel checked in and waited patiently for Mike's sister to arrive. Even in my delirious state, I knew that I was in Rome for a foodcation: to eat my face off and I couldn't wait to taste the delicious dishes I knew I was in for. When Mike's sister arrived, we walked in the pouring rain for a place to eat lunch. The trouble was that in Italy the restaurants are only open for lunch between the hours of 12pm - 3:00pm. It was 2:45pm when we arrived in this really cute hole in the wall restaurant that was tucked away in this deserted side street called Colline Emilane. This tiny little Italian place looked like a house that was converted into a restaurant. They seated us anyway, but we had to eat our food in a haste. The freshly baked pasta and the beef dish with the most tender meat that couldn't stay on the fork made us forget the fact that we were positively soaked to the bone. After lunch we headed around the corner to a cafe and feasted on the best cappuccino I've ever had and had a chocolate canoli. We couldn't push through the jet lag, so we headed into the hotel to rest before dinner.

For dinner we walked over to Piazza Nabona (Fountain of the 3 rivers!) It's built in a big circle and in ancient times they had horse races in this Piazza. We randomly landed at a seemingly mediocre spot and had an incredible meat and cheese plate and a pizza each. I really don't think I can describe just how amazing the food appropriately enough. Then we headed to one of Mike's favorite spots called the Abby Theater which is an Irish bar stopping only for a delicious crepe and felt like I had died and gone to heaven! Then we walked home passing the wedding cake stopping for gelato and arrived home to our luggage.

I fell asleep at 1am woke up at 4:20am to use the potty and then I was wide awake at 7:30am. I then proceeded to work out for an hour so I can get my body ready to eat lots of goodies. I came home took a hot shower then napped till 11am. We met Mike's sister to have coffee and a light snack given that I had already eaten a cranberry muffin. Nevertheless, we stopped at for breakfast enjoyed a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant. The coffee is to die for and I close my eyes and drink my Starbucks coffee as if it were the coffee in Italy. We then headed to the Trevi Fountain and stopped at a place called Il Gelato di San Crispino for Gelato which turned out to be the very best gelato that I have ever eaten. I had the menagerie camel which had actual chunks for meringue and carmel. One of the main differences I noticed in Italy was the fact that they don't have any prices on anything. The people at the counter decide wheter or not they like you before they tell you what the price is. Then we walked all around town we visited Pantheon, the fountains and the Vatican city. I guess it's called Vatican country considering that it is a different county with country lines and everything. It was something new I discovered. We stopped at Mike's favorite spot for Gelato called Old Bridge Gelato. I couldn't have any more sweet stuff so I opted for a pannini next door. On our way back to the hotel we stopped at one of Mike's favorite bars.

Those are extreme details of the first few days, and we spent the majority of the trip doing exactly that. Sleeping, eating, napping and relaxing. We had a perfect amount of shopping, site seeing and relaxing. I loved visiting all of Mike's memories and seeing his school where he lived and I wished that I could have studied abroad. Just recounting the experience makes me yearn for another trip.

I loved every minute I spent with Mike and with his sister. It was such a relaxing time and I spent so many meals laughing and drinking wine. I enjoyed every pound I put on in the 10 days I was gone.

beverleyviljoen's photostream on Flickr.

Revamp

2011-04-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

Thought it was time to revamp the blog. I got the inspiration for the new title from Stephen Sondheim and the logo inspiration from a tattoo I saw on a fellow cap's foot. Since I'm on vocal rest, I thought it would be a perfect time.

Since I've been back from Rome, we've gotten back into the full swing at school. We've started working on the Sondheim project. It's been a very very difficult time for me. There's been A LOT of singing and learning music quickly. So, my voice has started to give out a little bit which is why I'm on vocal rest now. Last week I had serious melt downs about the process because I've been told at nauseam that the voice goes when you're using it incorrectly. In our circumstances these days it's hard to tell the difference between using incorrectly or just being vocal fatigued. It's hard to tell the difference. I'm in process. I'm working it through it.

Anyway, I'm working on an update from Rome... I'll post that tomorrow.

The Past Few Months

2011-03-11T07:43:00.000-08:00

Has time really gotten that far away from me?

It's true it really has. After the winter break and the second semester started I literally went 2 months without seeing my New York friends -never mind catching up with my friends and family in Florida and California. However, spring break is approaching soon and classes are slowing down and morphing into more rehearsals. It sounds torturous, but it's much better. The first part of the semester included classes and tons of rehearsals. Thursdays I'd leave the apartment at 8am and I wouldn't walk in until 10pm. It's brutal.

The schedule is brutal and so is the material, but I'm going to leave that for another post.

I spent the winter break finalizing a lot of the wedding details which put me in a much calmer place about the event. We've booked the location, the food, the dj, the photographer, the florist, the church, got all the bridesmaids dresses, and bought my wedding dress. Not too shabby for only three weeks of a winter break. I felt pretty good about where we were in the processes until I looked at the checklist which is literally 4 pages long aaaaaaand I checked off 5 items. (sigh) We have the big stuff pretty much under control - but the devil is in the details, right? At least there is enough done that I don't have to think about it until May when I'm done with school.

I guess that's a quick enough update. Oh! I'm leaving for Rome tomorrow! Yes, Rome Italy. I'm looking forward to the much needed relaxing vacation time. I intend to post my traveling updates here, and include some awesome photos.

Acting Year End

2010-12-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

Picture this: 11am on a Monday morning, 10 degrees outside-but the window's open, my hair's knotted up in one big dread lock, a belly filled with french fries -burgers - buffalo fingers - pickle chips - and a salad with no dressing (wanted to save on calories), an empty coffee cup from yesterday trying to be filled by a willful gaze and most importantly an empty room with a giant soap box that I'm about to step on. Ok, ready?

It's my first real day off since the end of my 1st semester at Cap. I asked my old restaurant to put me on the schedule and they did very kindly! However, I have been on the go every since the semester ended. I hadn't really let go since and I haven't gotten a chance to digest all the information that has been thrown at me. All I want to do is eat and drink. Anyway, on Saturday I volunteered to sing Christmas carols at a soup kitchen (that's for a different blog post,) and along side me I had one other gentleman caroler and we were accompanied by a medical resident. He was asking me what I "do," and when I told him I was in school for musical theater he asked me how that was going... I replied, "It's great but it's really tough and takes a lot of energy."
He laughed and said, "Oh, how hard can that be? All you guys do is sing and dance and stuff right?" I laughed gleefully in response as I reached over the table throwing any and all the food l could see at his face!

no, I didn't really do that, but I did stare him down without blinking as I lifted up my shirt reveling my six-pack abs- these didn't come over night buddy.

ok, ok, I didn't really do that either, and I don't really have six-pack abs. I might if I stopped eating all those tasty buffalo fingers. Anyway, that is besides the point. I just smiled and said actually it's a lot of work. It takes a lot to be an actor. I wish I could have shared this quote with him. It's a quote that my acting teacher gave us on our last day. I thought I would share it now with you guys and it'll be like I shared it with him:

Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who they should get "real" jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Ever day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life-the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know how to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes. - David Ackert

There so take that Dr. :)

Just a little Raw

2010-12-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

Everyday I go to school trying and praying to stay open and to do whatever it takes to just become the best singing, acting and dancing performer that I can be. It sounds completely after school special, but it's paralyzing to not know how to get what you want. I so badly want to be a professional performer with versatility, and there are some days where I just hit a wall. Today is one of those days.

The last two months since my last month we worked on a script analysis interp. We took a play as a class and analyzed the crap out of it and then put the show on it's feet for the entire conservatory faculty to see. The scene that I had was a climatic flight between the two best friends over a fiance. Thus, a lot of screaming was involved. So, when I received my feed back today from the teachers there was a lot of academic concern over how I use the instrument. "There's noway that she would be able to sustain that 8 shows a week." My voice and speech teacher spoke up and said, "where she is in her training - it's perfect and was absolutely ok." I know in their minds it's 2 and 1/2 months of training, but it my mind - where I'm coming from we are talking 10 years + 2 and a 1/2 months of training.

I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be here. I'm tossing my hands in the air and I'm saying I don't know how to do this correctly - please tell me how to do it. I know I'm doing it wrong, but how HOW do I fix it?

This leads me to belting.... it's a style of singing that I just can not do. The last time that I tried to belt - I lost my soprano voice. This is terrifying for me. I don't want to have to start all over again. I don't want to go back to square one. I don't know if my voice is in pain. I don't know if I'm singing correctly or with technique.

Part of the pain is working through the processes, and I already feel like I'm sacrificing so much to be here in this moment. Sometimes I have to feel like it's worth it.

Wedding Week

2010-10-10T17:04:00.001-07:00

I have a week off of break and I promised Mr. Simpson that I would spend the entire break (when I'm not doing homework) on wedding stuff.

I'm trying to change my attitude about the wedding. So far It causes me to have these monumental break downs with me convulsing on the floor and Mr. Simpson hovering over me saying, "Are you don't yet?" Planning the event is supposed to be fun, but I'm finding it stressful and just plain awful.

No matter what the choice is - someone's feeling's get hurt and it's a lot of pressure deciding who's feelings will get hurt the least.

Becoming an Artist

2010-10-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

Finally a week break from the intensity of Cap21. It's a break I didn't anticipate needing, but I'm yearning for this break.

Our last class for the week before the break is Musical Theater History. Our normal teacher was out sick, so, we had the head of the entire school teach half our class. In the first of the half the class, Frank took us on a tour of the new building because we are expanding. Right now our classes are located on the 6th floor of a building with 10 floors with "normal" business people. Everyday we fill the elevator with our yoga mats and our awful conversations about acting, singing and the woes of the aches and pains from dance. Everyday we see them role their eyes as if we are poisoning them with our voodoo conversations. Sometimes they complain about us when they think the "6th" floor people aren't in the elevator. Then we told them that lady gaga and Matthew Morrison waited on this same elevator to go to the 6th floor and they quickly shut up. Anyway, we're finally expanding. We are taking over the 5th floor and the 6th floor and we are thrilled. The halls are so cramped sometimes with all the different programs running through our halls. So, we got to see the new hall. It's amazing with lots and lots of space!

When we got back to our classroom he started talking about the history of theater and by that I mean the history of theater as it pertains to his life. Fascinating to listen to his life as an artist, and then it' just as fascinating to talk to the woman who pretty much developed A Chorus Line. Then it hit me - all these amazing works of theater have changed musical theater as we know it happened because someone created it. I know that sounds tripe, but I'm forgetting that it is important to learn the craft, but it's just as important to push the limits. To reinvent theater. We're constantly saying it in class, but it's important to do it in my career as well: Dare to be wrong.

The Unknown in the Familiar

2010-10-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to New York, my very first waitressing job and my first job in new york was at the restaurant that I worked at for 1.5 years before I decided to go to Cap21. When I decided to quit, I had all these mixed feelings because I knew I wanted to pursue acting, but I loved the people that I worked with. Plus, the social aspect of working at a restaurant doesn't parallel with any other job. I also felt like I was becoming a career waitress and feeling stuck in my art which is why I left to go to school. I left in July so I could have a break and fly to California for Ash's wedding (whose birthday is also today.) Then in August, the restaurant closed for the month of September to become a brand new restaurant with the same owners.

Friday was the opening day of this amazing place, and while a lot of the staff is coming back, they have hired new people which need to be trained. In the interim time, some of the "old timers" are coming back for guest appearances myself included. When I first said I'd do it, I thought that it would be great since I can't truly have a job while I'm at school, I can pick up a few extra shifts as need be. I didn't anticipate the effect working there would have on me. So, this week I have three shifts, and I'm very grateful for them because I need the extra funds no doubt. Today was my first two hour appearance, and I felt so awkward.

I knew that place like the back of my hand and everything was different. When it was busy, I moved around there like I was sleep walking. Don't get me wrong - I worked very hard, but it's a second nature to me. Then today the place looks the same and the table numbers are the same, but EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. I felt like that old "remember when" conversation that people have when there is nothing else to talk about. I was trying to find something familiar in this completely new world.

Then I had these overwhelming "why did I leave" emotions flooding me because I was thinking about how comfortable I felt then compared to how extremely uncomfortable I felt today. I started feeling like everything around me was completely changing and I was just floating by never changing always being the same. Even catching up with some of my friends, I realized that so much has been going on that I am completely out of the loop on. I'm excited and a little anxious to work the next couple of shifts I have. I hope the uneasy feeling goes away.

I understand that life changes, but there is a reason the word.. "comfort"-able exists.

Week 5?

2010-10-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already October 2nd! Time is flying so fast and I have already been in school for 5 weeks! I think? Has it been 6? I'm losing track of time aaaaaand my mind!

This week my butt got kicked in many many many different ways.

We had this acting exercise called the Physical Score. We got this sheet that said Beginning Middle and End. In each of the sections we had a list. In the beginning sections we had to pick one way of entering/beginning the piece. So our choices were as follows: 1) Enter as if you're coming in from the snow or heavy rain. 2)Enter as if you just ran 6 flights of stairs or just ran a mile. 3)Enter as if you cut yourself...etc. Then in the middle section we had to pick six of the actions on the list like: you have a runny nose, yawn, there is a mosquito that just bit you etc. Then at the end we had to pick one action to end the piece ie: you absolutely don't want to leave or you're late for an audition. The point is to basically present natural human behavior. We had to write out every little detail and nuance of what we did. Then we gave it to our acting teacher and presented the piece in the exact same order we wrote it down. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING HARD THAT IS?!?!?!?!? Get up in front of your class for three minutes and do nothing exactly the same way....reeeeeeeaaaady go! By doing nothing I mean do the stuff that everyone does naturally without thinking about it, but don't present or show or perform these natural mundane actions. DO IT. You know what I mean? Don't show the class that you're smelling something completely rank... smell something completely rank. It sounds so easy, but it's really not. It's really hard. Do you get dressed to leave your house in the morning THE EXACT SAME WAY every day? To ever last minute detail like - I go to leave I pick up my keys first, then my ipod, and then my wallet. Now do it again in the same order over and over and over. I hadn't even really thought about how I get dressed in the morning - I just know I have to leave the house and I can't be naked. The end. Thought over. Being a good actor is so much harder than people think.

Anyway, doing these "nothing" types of exercises makes me crazy. Even in my normal state I'm not normal. Yes, I am the type of person that screams Eminem lyrics as loud as I possibly can as I'm entering my apartment building and apartment. If I did that in my presentation, I would be showing... Ugh. Then I have aaaaaaalllllll this undergrad crap that just pours into me and all of my old insecure feelings paralyze me with fear! I had this awful relationship with the head of my undergrad program because basically I'm physco. I don't blame the head of my department for our awful relationship because I couldn't take in what I was supposed to be learning. I am a neurotic perfectionist that was always looking for the mathematical way of being a perfect actor. I wouldn't make an artistic decision because I was always afraid of being wrong. So, every question he'd ask me was answered by another question I asked. Right? I'm irritating. So, him and I created a very detrimental learning environment for me in my undergrad years. I constantly was feeling bad about myself and trying to please him instead of trying to be a good actor. All these crappy old feelings come back and I'm scared to get up there. Again, it's another fine/grey line about studying acting. You definitely want to show that you have put work and rehearsal into whatever you're presenting, and while a bad choice is better than no choice, you still don't want to make the wrong choice!

A break through for me: I had a very successful Physical Score. :) I actually did nothing pretty well. What an awesome feeling... and a large deep sigh of relief.... I felt a little awkward and bad for my classmates who felt like they were not as successful. ( I argued and thought that everyone did a great job.) I also felt a little awkward and the need to explain why I get so uncomfortably nervous. I'm not trying to hussle my class or set the expectation low and then exceed the low expectation I set... I really have these crappy crappy feelings from undergrad that I'm trying to work through. After all, it's been 10 freaking years since I started college. I better be a better actor than I used to be. You would think I would be over that crap by now right?

Vocal Tech

2010-09-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm having a trying week at cap, but it's ok. As I told a fellow student, we have to have these moments where we can look at ourselves and just embrace where we are at. Give yourself a hug and say, "I love you Beverley. I love where you are at in your process to become an artist, and I'm going to continue to stay open and allow myself to get better." The self deprecation only hinders me. I felt defeated before I even began AAAALLLLL the time when I was in undergrand, and I developed a very awkward relationship with the head of my theater department. I'm trying to move past that with this conservatory experience. I'm trying to accept that brilliance cannot be achieved 100% of the time, but constant focus can be there for me.

This is what vocal tech has been like thus far: on the first day we each sang a song of our own choice. Then we learned together a group song which was "Goodnight my Someone" from the Music Man. Then we each had to sing the group song on our own. Then we learned our first song which was chosen by our teacher. We each sang that song on our own twice now. This past week we were working on the pelvic floor and today we had vocal health day.

On pelvic floor day, all the women went into one room and the men went into the other room for obvious reasons. Anyway, the whole concept was completely new to me. I have discussed opening the rib cage, but opening the hips and the pelvic floor. I have no idea how to do that or even how to feel that. We tried sitting down, squatting over and standing up. I didn't even know how to begin to think about it. After the class, I was honest about my experience discussing the pelvic floor, but then it was my turn to sing. So, my teacher had me singing in the squatting position, which apparently was an amazing sound to everyone else, but I just didn't hear it when I listened to the recording afterwards. I felt deflated because to everyone else that seemed like a breakthrough, but then I heard the tape and thought - I've sung better than that. I felt awful after class.

Today we had a class on vocal health. I think we could have talked about vocal health a lot longer than two hours. We saw some awesome vocal folds actually working. We saw what damaged vocal folds look like and what they would sound like if it happened. That was useful information, but Julie Andrews story is enough to terrify me because she was an incredible singer. How could she not know that she was singing incorrectly? We haven't started working on the belt yet, and truth be told, it's scaring the crap out of me. Plus, my voice doesn't feel like it's in good form now as it is. I'm hoping it was just the song and that it will get better with this second song that I'm singing.

Typical

2010-09-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

Me: What do you want to have for dinner tonight?

Him: Nothing.

Me: Mmmm. Sounds tasty.

Him: Yup. It's fat free.

2010-09-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of my academic artsy fartsy thoughts about theater and theater school?

It's ok, you can be honest.

I'll save my thoughts on the acting exercise we did today, Bert Williams, and George M. Cohan for later posts.

I thought today would be an appropriate day to introduce you to the news addition to our happy family! Meet Max.

Mr. Simpson really really really really really had to work on me to get this cute little puppy dog. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned how much dogs and I do not get along. I don't like the way they smell, drool, chew, bark, shed, and most of all LICK ME. I detest it. The thought of waking up to take care of a dog felt like the demise of our relationship. It's not like I didn't grow up with dogs. I had a dog named Rusty. My family and I were incredibly cruel to this poor dog making him be outside ALL the time, but I still tried. My sister even had a cute little puppy name Kiara that I tormented when she was little.

However, I have this amazing sweet little kitty whom I have mentioned, and Mr. Simpson is deathly allergic to her. He even agreed to take shots for her, although, he hasn't really gone through that process. I'm starting to realize that he used the shots as a ploy to get a dog. As soon as I buckled, he stopped getting the shots... Hmmm.... this is a realization I'm having right now at this moment.

Anyway, I started to feel like a household tyrant saying that we couldn't have a dog but he must suffer living with a cat. So, we started looking for a little puppy. A daunting task I forced myself to be a part of because I had to MAKE SURE that he was going to fit in and not kill the cat. The process to adopt turned out to be very difficult because we had to basically apply to the center and promise our lives away. We finally found Max, and took him home in March on a Thursday afternoon and he's been a part of our family ever since.

"Awake and Sing"

2010-09-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

One of our classes in the program is called Script Analysis. Each class has one play that they are currently researching and tearing apart. We are currently working on Clifford Odets' play "Awake and Sing," and one of our projects was to pick a movie and describe how the movie helps with research for the play. We're learning how to take outside material and think about how the characters functioned during the times.

Mr. Simpson helped me choose "The Cradle Will Rock" written and produced by Tim Robbins.

“The Cradle Will Rock” depicts the economic times of America in the 1930s. The Great Depression was in full swing, labor strikes were happening across the nation, and Americans were beginning to feel the pressure of Fascist Germany and fearing a communism/socialist government take over. As the movie begins, we read in the beginning credits that the Work Projects Administration, a program that was a part of the New Deal, has a budget for the Federal Theater Project. This program brings low cost theatre to the USA thereby giving professional actors work and theater to the people.

We are introduced to a beautiful destitute young woman sleeping illegally in a theater who “sings for a nickel.” She later, by the generosity of the unemployment teller, gets a job as a stage hand in a show produced by Orson Welles and John Houseman. We also meet a talented and tormented composer, Marc Bliztstein, who later creates a musical called, “The Cradle Will Rock.” The production is funded by the Federal Theater Project and produced and directed by Welles and Houseman. The young homeless stagehand steals an audition slot and is cast as the leading lady for the show. Another one of the actors, Aldo Silvano, is an Italian immigrant trying to make a way for his family in America without the support of his Mussolini devoted rich parents. Mussolini’s former mistress, Margherita Sarfatti, starts to politically align herself with tycoon Gray Mathers whose wife, Contesse LaGrange, actively supports and helps Welles’ theater production. A vaudeville ventriloquist, Tommy Crickshaw, is struggling to keep his act together. Meanwhile, Nelson Rockefeller is disturbed by Diego Rivero’s mural that he painted in the Rockefeller center based on Rivero’s desired social revolution. The Committee on Un-American Activities investigates The Federal Theater Project and cuts their funds by 20% forcing the theater to shut down and forbidding the show to go on with the help of government guards. The actors find a way to do play from their seats in a different theater.

This movie constantly begs the questions: (How far is one willing to go? How much will one risk? How much does one sacrifice for their beliefs and at what cost?) These type of questions are illustrated when we see Silvano and his wife discussing their living situation. They have six people living in a one-bedroom apartment infested with rats, and yet Silvano refuses to take his parents money for a new apartment because they are Mussolini supporters. This is a difficult sacrifice that not many people could have made. We start to understand why the characters of Odets' play would make some of the despicable choices they made. The mother of the play, Bessie, tricked a young immigrant into marrying her daughter although she was already pregnant with a different man’s baby. These horrible choices that Bessie is forced to make are understandable to someone who is willing to do absolutely anything for the love and well being of their family. In both examples, their choices are prideful and we are left to wonder if the result is worth the cost.

In the scene where the socialist artist, Diego Rivera, argues with Margherita Sarfatti about their political views she calls him a wealthy communist and he calls her a Jewish loving Fascist. It’s easier for us to understand why people like Jacob believed in a communist nation based on how workers were treated and how the unemployed were treated. These issues were demonstrated throughout the movie and made us feel more compassionate to the idea of a social revolution.

This movie shows fear and how the absence of knowledge plays in ones comfort level and choices. The presence of fear is what drives so many of Odets’ characters to live in misery including Moe, Hennie, Bessie, and Ralph. This movie gives us a social and economical description of America at the time adding more understanding to the complexity of Odets’ play.

I'm not sure if it was because I was so "raw" from the Art Alive project, however, I couldn't help but notice how the actual use of painted visual art was so prevalent in the movie.

I know that we are obviously in the more academic side of things right now, but I am definitely soaking everything that I can up! Tonight we went and saw the Industry showcase for the end of the program and all the performers were amazing! I look forward to getting there

Art Alive

2010-09-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and today my acting class had to perform there solo Art Alive Piece. We all went to the met and picked a piece of art that inspired us. From this piece of art we had to create a 3-5 minute performance piece from our own inspiration. We had limited restrictions. It could be anything. We couldn't just read from our journal, but anything else - the sky is the limit.

These types pf projects are absolutely terrifying for me. My first thought is 1) I'm not creative enough for this. 2) I don't really "Get Art" and 3) THIS IS FOR ARTSY FARTSY PEOPLE. I mean seriously..... how on Earth can I create something from nothing. This is going to look and feel incredibly silly. MY very creative and artfully generous teacher said to me, "You're going to be fine." She obviously could see the sheer terror in my face when she was explaining to us what we were required to do.

I could hardly sleep the night before we went to the met. There was just absolutely NO WAY TO PLAN THIS. There is no way to be pre plan this project and let myself be safe. It's so interesting to be so terrified when there is NO WRONG answer. How on Earth could that be terrifying?

When I arrived at the Met, I was thinking, " Oh Crap - This is so overwhelming. I'm not going to find anything that inspires me. I don't even know what inspires me." Those thoughts are running through me as I spent the first 10 minutes there just trying to get my barrings on the museum. It took me forever just to figure my way around, which left me only 20 minutes to be inspired. Inspired is not the same as overwhelmed. I looked at a couple of pieces of art before I stumbled upon Juan's The Sense of Site. I really started thinking about all the things that I could associate with this piece of art. I even walked away from the piece of art, but I couldn't let it go. I just had millions of associations with this one piece of art.

Then when I was listening to my ipod on the train, I started thinking about school and the Glee rendition of "Dream on" came on. Ideas started flooding into my brain and all of a sudden I had my entire piece almost worked out. I went back to the piece of art that I had seen at the met and I all of a sudden 100 more ideas came to mind, and I realized that maybe my first interpretation of the piece was wrong. I still look at it now, and I think that my second idea might have been more in tune with what the artist was trying to get across. However, I wanted to go with my gut because I was connected to the idea, and I didn't want to second guess myself.

My piece was about the internal and external struggle of good and evil everyone struggles with themselves. How often have we looked in the mirror and despised what we saw? Have you EVER been able to look at yourself in the mirror and told yourself everything you did that and all the things you were proud of yourself for doing then at the end looked at yourself directly in the eye and said "I love you." - ? I can't tell you enough how difficult that has been for me, and how much of a mental block that has been for me. It was difficult for me to even work on the piece for long amounts of time because I really allowed myself to explore that evilness that I believe lives inside of everyone. I had horrible nightmares. I dreamed that I murdered Mr. Simpson in cold blood. I used a staple gun and then stapled F You on the front of our wooden door. It's terrifying.

I showed my piece today in class, and it was terrifying to show that type of vulnerability to relationships that are 4 weeks old. While these peoples are colleagues and friends, they are also our future co-workers and employers. I find though it's tricky to be critical and judgmental when people have poured time and themselves into the project. It's truly inspiring to see. I loved watching the other pieces. I loved the way they made me feel uncomfortable, light-hearted and it was interesting to see the same type of torment that so many of us go through in performance. It was also interesting the relationship I started to develop with my own work. The part of me that felt silly and awkward started to leave when I felt like I was in there. I was in this project. I'm showing something that is horrifying to me. It's hard to judge that, and when Larry today asked in class if there was anything we could do to make it better. I had trouble answering that question because the piece was what it was. Sure, I wish I had rehearsed in the space and felt a little comfortable in my environment. I wish I had ended the piece better and left a beat, but I felt proud of the story. I felt proud of the route I decided to go, and I felt brave for showing that to my classmates.

Now, don't get me wrong... I still think a lot of acting exercises are artsy fartsy, but today was a huge accomplishment for me. I would consider it a "break through."

Cap21 week 3

2010-09-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am so blessed to be in this program.

It's so hard. I'm exhausted every night. All I want to do is sleep when I get home, and this week we had one day off because of labor day.

We're working 9 hours a week on dance, and our dance teachers do not mess around. Especially our modern teacher. I drip with sweat when I walk out of that class. It's very hard, but I am so happy to be there. I love dancing and I'm looking forward to getting into sick shape with much better dancing technique. I am looking forward to looking less awkward in dance calls or better yet dance callbacks.

One of my favorite aspects of the program is the fact that all my teachers are working professionals. It's very motivating to study from people who actually are lucrative performers in NYC. This is what I need and I love it.

I'm spending this whole weekend doing homework. I have two acting projects next week, I'm singing in vocal tech, I have a test in voice and speech and a huge essay I'm writing for musical theater history.

Mrs. Simpson in 13 months counting...

2010-09-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

Beverley Simpson.

I wonder how long it's going to take me to get used to that name. Will I ever get used to it? I've tried to explain this to Mr. Simpson because he seems to feel slightly offended every time I mention how, "I'm going to be a Simpson..." choking down the gagging sensation and a huge snarl. :) It's not personal. It isn't that I don't want to be a Simpson. I've been a Viljoen for 28 years. It's MY name; the name that was given to me at birth. Why would I want to change it? I love my name.

It's important to him, so, I have agreed to legally change my name but work under my maiden name.

This is how he asked...

It was his 3 anniversary of being in the NYPD and my second to last day at my restaurant. I needed to be at work by 5pm and I'm usually done with work around 12am. I had just started doing Bikarum Yoga every day and I had planned to go to class early the next morning before my last day of work, but he asked me to meet him after work for a drink to celebrate his work anniversary. I thought, "Ugh, I want to go to yoga tomorrow - I don't want to be out late."

I said, "Don't you want to go out with your friends?"

"They are all working."

I proceed to go down the list of people he might not have thought to call. :)

"No," he said, "he flaked on me."

"Ok, but I don't want to stay out too late. Text me later with where you want to go and I'll see you after work."

Around 11:00 at night I get a text from him asking me how the night was shaping out because if we were still crowded then I most likely would be stuck at work a little later then originally anticipated. Luckily, I wasn't busy, so, I told him that we were going to get done with work at 12am. I asked him where he wanted to go, and he said he didn't know.

I said, "Let's go to the first place you first had a drink in NYC."

"That's a good idea. I think it's somewhere around Lincoln Square. I'll head over there early and try and find the place then text you the location."

At 12:00am on the dot I get this text message that says he can't find the place, so, come meet him at the fountain and we will pick a place from there. I told him to go to PJ Clarke's that's right on the corner and I'll meet him there. He told me to stop being so difficult and just meet him at the fountain. He then proceeds to badger me with "Are you done yet? Are you off work? Are you heading over?" A little irritated at this point - I reminded him that it takes me a little while to close up the shop.

Finally done with the money and cleaning at 12:38am, I try and hail a cab on 7th Avenue, but Lady Gaga was playing at Madison Square Garden. No cabs to be found. I finally gave in and took the train arriving to the fountain at 12:50am and he had been there since 11:45pm. Whoops! I didn't know he was going to propose I would have hustled!

I had to call him to find him, but there he was right smack in the middle of Lincoln Square with a table that had candles, champaign and music right smack in the middle of the square wearing a suit in the sweltering July evening.

I went over the to the table completely shocked and overwhelmed. We had talked about moving forward and I knew that the time would be coming, but he caught me completely off guard. I was there sporting my Hanson t-shirt. My nails were disgusting, and I had no idea. There in one of the most enchanting places in New York surrounded by the Met, Julliard, South Pacific theatre and a gorgeous fountain he got down on his knee promising to dedicate the rest of his life to me.

Starting Over...Again

2010-09-05T19:22:00.001-07:00

Every few posts I seem to say, "I can't believe I haven't blogged in such a long time." Who wants to keep reading about that? It's boring, but what struck me as incredibly interesting and heartbreaking was this post: Crazy is Overwhelming I wrote that just over a year ago, and the heart breaking part of that story is that I have been fighting those exact same horrible feelings and issues for over a year now. Except it got worse. I'm on the upswing of things and "they" say it has to get worse before it can get better.

Let's start with the good shall we?

I'm engaged.

I've been so busy "dealing" with life - I forget to take a moment and just breathe in happiness. I moved out of my Harlem apartment in early February of 2010. While it was sad and very difficult to leave my roommate at the time, I had a new roommate - my fiance to be. It was a monumental step for me because I had not ever lived with a partner before. I'm 28 and always had roommates or I lived alone. The adjustment has not been seamless but worth it. We comfortably live on the west side right by a park in a very accessible and happening part of town. I couldn't be happier here.

He proposed to me on a very hot evening in July right in front of Lincoln Center dressed in a suit and miserably waiting for me for over an hour. :) It's truly a romantic story ending with champaign and dancing right by the fountain in front of Lincoln Center. This location is where we ended our first date and began the rest of our lives together. I'll save this post for another entry.

"My lonely, unsuccessful and depressed life in New York" is just now turning around. I still miss my CA friends so much. So so so so much. I spent most of this August celebrating my honorary sister's wedding and introducing my fiance to my life in California. The whirl-wind tour ended with a beautiful celebration of love: a gorgeous wedding. I cried for most of the flight back to NYC. The torturous absence of my daily interaction with my CA friends I described in my last years post still eats me alive. I still constantly wait for the next time I get to see them and my heart is pained knowing that the reasons to see them are few and far between. Their absence still brings tears to my eyes, but it is no longer destructive. I miss them, but we still keep in contact and we still see each other as much as possible. I have a stronger focus now which keeps my missingness less destructive.

My Weight.
A huge huge huge huge battle. Right before I left for California, I cried on the phone to the mother of the bride because I wasn't sure I was going to fit into the bridesmaid dress that I just tried on in June. I had packed all my winter clothes in May and for the wedding in August, I had to unpack them to take them to California because California has a much brisker climate than New York in the summertime. I tried on all my clothes and NOTHING fit. Last year nothing fit... I was forced to buy new clothes. This year nothing fits... I was forced to buy a diet book. No, seriously I was beyond frustrated because I HAD been working out. Not working. For me - it's the balance of what I'm eating and working out. In the past, I could eat whatever I wanted and just work out. This is not the case anymore. I have to eat right AND work out. I have the luxuary of having my own personal nutritionist. :) Ok, not really, but kinda. I have a friend that is studying to be a nutritionist and I am CONSTANTLY picking her brain apart probably to the point of irritation, but she's studying - she says she needs the practice. She also recommended this diet book to me called: "The Perfect 10"

This is the start of week 3 for me and the diet has indeed done wonders. I still have a way to go, but for the most part I'm watching unwanted rolls melt off my body. I'm no longer cringing away from the mirror, and I don't cry every time I have to get dressed in the morning. I'm still not in love with taking pictures, but I'm going to get there. This weight gain took 2 years to manifest itself. It's going to take a little longer than 3 weeks to completely get rid of it. Since moving to New York, I gained close to 30 pounds.

So, what am I eating in my diet?

For the first three weeks, no grains, no processed sugar, no alcohol and more fat. This was very very very difficult to do. I realize now just how bad the restaurant industry was for my self-esteem and my state of mind at the time. I was eating french fries twice and day and drinking every day of the week. I'm not saying that I blame my job nor am I saying that I wouldn't go back to waitressing. I'm saying that at the time I wasn't able to make good choices for myself and for my body because of my self esteem. It's not healthy and I didn't have the strength or the will to just say No. Giving up these foods has been by far the hardest things to do, and it's given me complete awareness! I didn't realize just how often I was drinking a bottle of wine in one sitting. That's a lot of calories. Eating more fat has also been a little bit hard to wrap my brain around considering that most of the mainstream diets this day and age still have not grasped the concept yet. Every protein or vegetable or fruit carbohydrate must be eaten with a little bit of fat. The fat helps the body break down the carbohydrates much faster according to this book. So, I'll eat eggs in the morning with avocado or a piece of cheese or I'll eat full fat yogurt with berries. Lunch I'll have a salad with only olive oil as the dressing or lemon juice as the dressing with a little bit of cheese in the salad. Dinner I'll have chicken pan fried in olive oil seasoned with salt and pepper and chili peppers or tomatoes or coconut with steamed raw or sauteed vegetable. You're not supposed to count calories, but I still taper them. I'll have a big breakfast smaller lunch and a smaller dinner. I've cut caffeine out as well for the most part. I'll drink a cup of decaf coffee with whole fat milk. No sugar. I allow myself one cup of green tea a day because of the antioxidants and the amount of caffeine is nothing compared to the 4 cups of coffee I used to drink. Right now I hold out my arm and it doesn't shake. Snacks include: veggies (no carrots and no beets), nuts, hummus, seeds, avocado. I usually only need snacks if I have worked out a lot that day or I'm up for more hours that usual. The fat keeps me fuller longer. After stage 1 the detox stage you can start bringing whole grains back into your diet. Not a lot, but you can bring it back depending on how much energy you expend. Alcohol and sweets can be brought back sparingly. Stage 3 you can start treating yourself to your occasional hamburger or fried french fries or pizza - it's NEVER good for you, but at least the body will be able to handle it. I plan to get a full physicals as soon as I'm done. I'll let you know how my arteries look, my cholesterol and my blood pressure all look.

Working out.
I tried Bikram Yoga. It was great but didn't work. I've gone back to school and I'm dancing 9 hours a week. It's going to whip my body into shape. I'm no longer concerned. I still try and workout 6 days a week. There are 3 days we don't work out in school. I try and do some type of cardio on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Then I talked about performing.
I was still floundering. I decided to do something about it. I applied to a professional program called Cap21. It's NYU's old program, but it's bigger, better and stronger than ever! I'm so glad that I took the leap of faith and plunged myself into this program. I quit my restaurant my job. I'm spending 40+ hours a week focusing only on acting, dancing and singing. I'm surrounded my people that are in the same place that I am regarding performing. This is going to plunge me into the New York scene and I'm so grateful for it. I seriously can't wait to just live. I'll break down my experience in the program a little more, but this post is already getting too long.

I'm taking control of my life. I'm only sorry that it took me so long to do it.

An Open Letter to Fastrak

2009-09-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Fastrak,

For the last 30 minutes, I've wondered around my apartment trying to articulate my disgust and disdain for you without sounding like an emotional basket-case I once was a few weeks ago. How exactly can I put into words how I feel about you without sounding completely irrational, irate and livid. I can't do it. So, I'm just going to say it.

Fastrak - you're evil. evil. evil evil. evil. evil.

I'm unclear as to why you purposely torture your customers. Is it masochistic pleasure you receive from refusing to fix transponders that are broken? Did you laugh to yourself when your customers get into car accidents that require rental cars that need a transponder you refuse to fix? I bet the real joy comes from sending your customer an EIGHT dollar toll fine she PAID in full that you CASHED, but not before you sent her to a collection agency.

You sent me to collections for EIGHT effing dollars. Do you hold up children at their lemonade stands too? Fastrak, you're a bastard.

Ok, let's not get into name calling - I apologize. I understand that I did have three different addresses in such a short period of time, but if you really processes all that paperwork to send me to collections for eight dollars, you can't bother to fix it after you got my check and cashed it. You act like I hadn't been a customer for FIVE years. We were practically best friends. I was visiting you everyday. I even considered having you in my wedding.

I'm serious fastrak. You have caused me a lot of grief since I've moved to New York. Is this what it's really about? I moved? Well, at this point, I'll never EVER come back to you. I'll just happily wait in line to pay my $12 dollars at the bridge toll because you suck. you suck. you suck.

Love,
Bev

P.S. The Law Enforcement place you sent me too sucks as well...

Just Get Back on the Horse

2009-09-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

If you ever feeling really terrible about yourself, NEVER GO TO AN AUDITION! It's just going to make you feel worse watching these young 18 -20 year old girls bouncing around at 6:00 in the @#@$#% morning. Whining about how their pink nail polish chipped on the way to the audition so they put their name on the list and then went home and slept for a few more hours while their punk @$$ friend stayed in the line texting frantically if something changes. Meanwhile, I've been sitting there since the dark hours of 5:30 in the morning patiently waiting by the door with 100 other girls names in front of my own, but these girls are nowhere to be seen. That's right ladies - I WOULD KILL FOR A FEW MORE HOURS OF SLEEP TOO. Alas, I don't really have the luxury to treck back and forth between Harlem and audition the way these other people seem to do. Plus, its really not fair to the people who have been waiting.

While I'd kill for a few more hours of sleep, I think I'd really kill for my equity card. That way I could get up early (8:00) get an audition slot. Stay there and sing or come back and sing. Everything seems to just go a bit smoother when you're actually equity. I need to get my card. I need to get my card. I'm actually not sure how to get it, but I think this is something that I want to be more active and focused on.

I haven't had the courage to go back and audition since my singing abomination, but I have been more aggressive about getting into class and singing with a teacher. I had a pop coaching and she's going to email me a list of rock/pop songs to put in my rep book. I'm looking forward to start working on that new material.

I really can't think about auditioning right now. I've been at it all day. I just need a break

Singing Abomination

2009-09-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ever want to die right on the spot?

You know, that lingering feeling that death is the only eminent thing that could possibly make whatever you're going through at that moment any better? I guess death doesn't have to be the only solution. I'm sure one could strip off all their cloths and run a muck turning over tables and waiting for some hot police officer to come in cuff 'em and get thrown in the back of the cop car. Then one might get tortured with "waffle facing" and what not - just not worth it. Go big or go home. Pray for death.

That moment just happened to me. It's definitely been a few hours later, but I can't seem to shake off the embarrassment.

I woke up in the early hour of noon knowing I had a voice lesson at 2pm in Harlem. I had a great lesson with my teacher who I used to sing with once a week in San Francisco and now I it's more like once a quarter because she can't travel to NYC that often. However, it was very great to see her and I think I really made some headway in singing. She re-energized me vocal exercises to get these new habits in my body. My tongue is caught in the back of my throat and so I get around my break-e, eflat, f -and sound all throaty, hooty, covered and dark. It's just really bad. Since I had a good lesson, I thought I would go down to "In the Heights" audition and see if I could crash the equity call.

It's 4pm now and I go in. I ask the equity moniter if any of the non-equity people are being seen. He said, "We saw about 90 and then she decided that she wants to see your headshot and resume and she'll decide if she wants to hear you." So I gave him mine, and he came out to tell me that she does want to see me and I'm next.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, it's a rock/pop show. I was supposed to sing 16 bars of a pop/rock song. I'M TERRIBLE AT POP

uuuuh... I'm in kaki's and a brown shirt. Usually people are wearing skirts, dresses, and looking like it's fashion show instead of an audition. I didn't have any makeup on and he says - honey you have such a natural beauty you really don't need any make up.

I went in and thanked them for seeing me.

I should have turned around and walked out because I went to he accompanist. Gave her my 8 bar cut and I couldn't hear my part. My notes. I was a complete disaster. I opened my mouth and the in the first two measures I sang EVERY NOTE WRONG. WRONG AND BADLY. So badly that I stopped singing and said I'm sorry I have to start over. Of course that's a big big no-no in the singing world.

BUT THEN.

I sang it wrong again.

I knew there was no going back and fixing it so I just pushed through the rest of the 8 bars. I looked at her and you should have seen her face. She said to me with her eyes - please please please please please stop singing. I'll do anything. Her hand was in her hair and I SWEAR I saw her pull on it.

I have to face it. I'm not good at pop. I really suck at pop and everytime I try to sing it - I fall flat. I wish I could have run across the table and pulled my headshot from her hot little hands so she wouldn't remember my name. I have got to figure out this style of singing otherwise I'm gonna die here in New York.

Sirens Squeaks and Sobbing

2009-09-08T04:24:00.000-07:00

My crazy is starting to reach new levels of crazy. I know that to some of you that doesn't seem possible, but I can assure you i am speaking the truth. Let's take last week as a prime example.

I spent a few days in Philly to visit a very close friend of mine, and I hadn't seen my sweetheart, Mike, since I left just wanted to clarify that I left on Monday morning and returned on Tuesday night. I had to directly go to work when I returned because I was closing the restaurant. Mike happened to have that night off, so, he was going to meet me at home and we'd go uptown together.

At ten I get a text from him that says- I can't make it by 11 tonight cause the tech guys are working on my computer and they have been working since 6pm.

One would have thought he said - I don't want anything to do with you Beverley so I purposely wasted my entire afternoon and called the tech guy at exactly 9pm just so I could purposely avoid hanging out with you because I had an emotinal break down in my brain.

I responded with - what?!? You don't want to see me tonight?!

Of course I do! I'll just meet you uptown.

No response.

11pm and I say I just got off work I'll talk to you later.

The text gave him a warranted unwelcome feeling so he called me at 12am after receiving 20 nasty where are you text messages and you purposely broke your computer to avoid seeing me text messages.

"I thought you didn't want me to come over?"
"Did I SAY that?"
"No, but... Ok, I'm coming over"
"no, don't bother now. You're only coming over cause I'm upset. If you wanted to come over you would have already been here by now."
insert unspoken curse words clearly directed towards me.
"I'm coming over. "

He arrives to find me weeping in my bed. I continued the uncontrollable sobbing for at least 30 minutes.

C-R-A-Z-Y. Oh, but the story gets better.

The next morning I awoke feeling hungover with embarrassment at my behavior from the night before. My roommate had already left for the day and Mike left for work at 2pm. I got ready for work and left the house at 4pm because I was closing again.

6pm I get a text from my roommate: I'm so sorry. I can't find the cat. I have been searching for 30 min and I can't find her anywhere. I am so sorry.

I was working so I didn't get the message until an hour later. Not knowing how to respond I texted Mike with "oh honey." He promptly responded with " I know. I'm on it." My roommate was apologizing so I thought maybe she left the door open but she hadn't. So, maybe Squeaks couldn't bare my crazy and jumped out the window.

Turns out my roommate called the bomb squad to come and find the cat. A friend from upstairs came down to search every corner of the house. Mike comes tearing down the road in his patrol car sirens blazing from the south Bronx. The friend found her just as Mike arrived on the scene.

She was trapped in my bottom dresser drawer.

Yup. I closed her in while I was getting ready for work. I think I'm getting close to check me in crazy. I swear it was an accident. Please don't call animal services. I love my cat and I had NO idea she was in there.

Mike told me later that he was worried if something had happened to her it would have been to much of a mental strain to my already wavering mental stability. I only have one more week of this crazy and I should return to normal. Well, as normal is obviously a loosely defined term.

Someone is Always Crazier.

2009-09-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Working in the restaurant business has lead to meeting the strangest type of characters. For instance tonight green suite actor man walks into the restaurant and he promptly sits at the bar. Luckily, I didn't have to serve him, but I got to hear his stories first hand from my friend - the bartender. He orders a drink and pulls his wad of 1 dollar bills crumpled up in his pocket and spends at least 10 minutes counting out 9 dollars. During this transaction, he asks her where she is from. Discovering her hometown once simply was not enough. In her return he asks her again and she politely reminds him that he already asked her. We then find out that he has short term memory problems and wants to know what film we last saw him in. Averting all interaction with crazy mccrazyson, we hang out at the other end of the bar. At some point I had to go into the kitchen to run food out to my tables. I walk by and he grumbles after me "how can she not recognize me. "

crap.

I knew I had to walk by him again and there was no way around it. This time he stopped me with a barking sound that I think resembled a hello. He mumbled at me and I couldn't understand so I awkwardly chuckled and ran away. The bartender then informed me that he was filming a movie today so his mumblings must have something to so with preserving his voice. Clearly, he over used it in the shoot this afternoon

My favorite type of crazy is the cheating sex couple that always seem to come in while I'm working.

This girl came in once at the beginning of my shift and told me that she was waiting for someone. The middle aged hunched over balding man came into the restaurant soon after. I'm a little unclear if this start to their evening was a staged get away from work followed by a staged entrance into the restaurant like no one there would notice they were sitting together. In fact, it was impossible to advert your eyes from this particular couple. From the start they sat super close to each other which is fine but after the third beer in the necking began. I'm not talking about a cute hi- honey -I -love -you -I'm -going -to -show -you- how-much-I- love- you. It's more like -the -disgusting- shoving -tongue- down- her- throat- which- I'm -sure- caused- drool- to -stream-down- her- face- I- wanna- throw -up -in- my -mouth- type of necking. I am not exaggerating when I say that at one point she was standing between his sitting legs and he was starting to caress her chest with his mouth at least the part of her chest that was showing in her low cut blouse. I refused to go over there and serve them because I was scared of what I'd really see if I went over there. I thought maybe if I didn't serve them they would leave. Every once in awhile, he would call out to me from across the room. He didn't want me over there just as much as I didn't want to go over there. I noticed that they both each wore wedding rings and they obviously weren't married to each other because any normal sensible couple would have spared the rest of the people in the joint and gone home to their house and played restaurant. There are plenty of hotels in new York and fat annies isn't one of them. When he finally asked for his check he asked me how much. I replied - for the food or the show? Ok fine. I didn't say that but I really really wanted to.

How do these people look at themselves in the mirror the next day? At the very least it makes for good entertainment. Next time I'll speak of the ones who try and hit on the waitress.

Two Trains and a Cab Drive Later...

2009-09-02T12:06:00.001-07:00

Living in Harlem and heading to the lower East Side to hang out proves to be difficult with every attempt. Sunday night was no exception and being a weekend made the trip even more difficult. First of all, the only trains that cross from the west to the east side are the blue line E, the M60(bus) and the grey S (shuttle between 42nd Times Square to 42nd Grand Central Station - an obviously comfortable non crowded route serving breakfast with each trip ) or the dreaded phantom L train that never seems to arrive. The electronic board flashes "Brooklyn bound leaving in 0 min" for at least 15 minutes before the train even arrives. Thus, the treck to the lower East side begins and ends with one million transfers. The value of the location is often determined by the length of the jounrney traveled to get there.

My roommate recently returned from working at a kids theater summer camp in Lennox, MA. In her return, she brought new and exciting friends who happen to live on the East Side. In an effort to get to know the recently planted frineds, I attepted the journey to enjoy the east side. With a successful arrival, I embraced the laugh fest evening over two cocktails and great company. However, the 12:30am departure ruined the evening because it took 10 years of my life just to get home especially with the extra side of crazy the subway brought to my journey.

My roomate and I waitred for teh F train for literally 45 min. In that time we had crazy #1 listen to our conversation about travel and promptly interupted us to answer my mind musings I was sharing with my friend. He replied, "Get off at West 4th Street" with such a loud authority it was tough to ignore his presence. Thus a much desired silence from our unwanted conversationalist came only when we stopped talking to each other which made the wait for our train last an eternity. 50 min later we arrived at West 4th street to wait for the A train to get uptown. My roommate just haaaaad to remind me that we had gone about 3 blocks and a few avenues that we could have probably walked if we put any thought into our trip home. Here we met crazy #2 who had her two young children in toe at 1:30am on a Sunday evening. In the running for mother of the year, obviously. She asked three times how to get to grand central station from where we were located. She hovered over the gentleman sitting next to me admiring his piercings managing to barley catch her seven year old from putting a nacho in her mouth that had touch the lip of the trash can next to the cracked out toothless homeless gentleman visibly salivating over the plump seven year old herself or the disgusting mangled plate of what could only be nachos she just threw away.

Please.get.me.out.of.here.

The A train finally arrived and we met crazy person #3. Much like crazy #1, he had to join in our conversation. He responded to my roommates question of - "do you think Julie wants her coffe table back when she moves?" Crazy #3 launched into a detailed desercription of an armour we could have if we were interested. Our stop could not arrive fast enough.

Finally we see the 100's and our train stops at 103. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... Really? We're really going to stall out between stops here? Yes, that's exactly what were are going to do. Apparently, there were workers on the track but I only discovered that when one of them either got clipped by the subway or banged on the window that I happened to be sitting by. Tattoo face laughed hard at my visible jump and my fatigue vanished in two seconds with a yelp that accompanied my jump.

2am arrived and we finally came above ground. Still 5 stops away from our stop, I put my friend in a cab to finish the treck uptown considering our neighbor hood is increasingly unsafe with muggings in our building, drug deals on our stoop, random cat calls to send chills and a broken lock on my door from months past. This is why I convinced my sweetheart to move to the west side since I'd rather pull out my eyelashes then head to the east side.

I then headed over to my sweetheart's place after the dreaded public transport trip contemplating whether or not saving the money for a cab was really worth it.

Sometimes you have to love New York.

Crazy is Overwhelming.

2009-09-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

My current boss once told me (in reference to serving tables) - just say it and then let it go. I'm going to apply the same theory here.

I recently re-read my blog again and noticed I write mostly when I'm sad or struggling. I made a choice to try and avoid the musings of a super sad heart, and while I'd like to think that's the reason I have avoided writing the past difficult 7 months, the truth is I've avoided writing because I don't want to write about how unsuccessful, lonely and depressed I've felt here in New York.

I wanted to define the way I use the word "lonely" I have met amazing people and spent great time with people out here in NYC. People who will remain part of my life in future years including my new best friend and partner in whom I find most of my NYC joy. I just miss my CA friends so much. I don't even miss my "life" in SF. While I do love the location, the constant absence of my friends leaves a hole in my heart that can't be filled and is eating me alive right now. I often find myself thinking and wishing their presence remained in my daily life. In truth, I didn't anticipate the absence to slowly become as destructive as it has the past few months. It's worse because I hardly talk to any of them. Not as much as I thought it would and it's killing me. Ok, well, it's torturing me.

I've also gained a lot of weight. A noticeable amount of weight. Enough weight that hardly any of my cloths fit including the cloths that I wore when I didn't feel in the best shape. Enough weight that has made me divert my eyes when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself. I'm in no shape good for my body and I'm mad at myself for getting to this point. My age and drop in metabolism has made it much more difficult to lose unwanted weight as it has in the past. This is destroying my self-esteem and ruining my motivation. So, I can't bring my "lazy" self to work out and I get so mad at myself for it so I continue to eat crappy. A vicious cycle.

Then there is performing. I've sung the same song for the past 7 months. It's obviously not working, so, naturally I should learn more material. Yet, I have noway to work it that will comfort my perfectionistic mind. So, I'm continuously singing the same unperfect song. Another viscous cycle.

A contributing factor to my increasing misery is my brand of hormone pill. I'm on a different brand which I started 8 months ago and I haven't been able to adjust yet. I'm feeling extremes of emotions and I can't control my reactions even while I know it's happening and I know that I'm over reacting.

So, I'm basically caught in two vicious cycles while being an "emotional grab bag." I'm crazy. It's the bottom line. Going crazy slowly at least. I have moments of clarity and I fight to sustain my sanity but often fail miserably. My sweetheart has been amazing with his patience from God, but I know my time is ticking and I will eventually wear on him. There can only be so many melt downs in the kitchen, screaming fits in the living room and sobbing fests while shooting a nerf gun at the wall.

What am I going to do? Embrace this moment of clarity, face this haunting dark crazy and remind myself of all the joy life and New York has brought me. I found my sweetheart - a blessing. I found a job in a tough economy that I didn't have much experience in and it's perfect for auditioning. Another blessing. I am experiencing living more than two hours away from where I was raised. I'm also going to actively search for a creative outlet to sustain me while I continue to audition. Most importantly, I'm going to change my hormone, eat better and work out. Hopefully, those drastic changes will drastically change my mood and return my motivation.

Summation

2009-08-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

of the last few months....

So, I interviewed with the restaurant from the open call and started training there that following Wednesday after Valentines Day back in February. I immediately got swept in the whirl wind restaurant business discovering that I SUCKED at waiting tables. It's so much harder than anyone really gives it credit for and the nightmares began. I still haven't managed to conquer the work dreams, but I've finally gotten a handle on serving tables. I knew that I'd get it and that it would just take me some time, but many days I already felt defeated and I hadn't even begun.

I'm dating someone new. I haven't expressly asked for his permission to disclose any information about him on the Internet. So, I'm withholding until I ask him because unlike the ones before he will read what I'm writing about. Nevertheless, he's a perfect partner to my crazy. We work and I'm happy.

I'm still auditioning but I was really sick for 6 weeks and then the summer came causing everything to slow down here in New York. I moved here knowing it was going to be hard. Yes, even THIS hard.

I've gone back to Florida to visit my family including my nephew and my brand niece. One of my visits included my brand new boyfriend, which I think went well.

I went back to California for a wedding and to visit all my friends and I really miss them all. Especially because I don't really talk to many of them - at least not as much as I used to it.

aaaaaand that's really it. I haven't done much else except eat my face off so now I'm fat.

The Ghost of Christmas past returns?

2009-08-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hi Internet. I sheepishly return to the keyboard asking myself if I do in fact remember how to type on it... Will I stay for good?
I don't know. I'm conflicted.

I returned to my favorite blogger dooce and discovered that I do miss writing about my comings and goings regardless if anyone does actually read it. I remembered how much I actually love the computer and how much I loved reading all about the life of Heather, John and Leta Armstrong. I soon discovered how much I have actually missed in their life and felt saddened by my own absence. Then I asked myself why I haven't written anything on my blog. (here comes the conflicted part) I suppose I have moments of - uuuuuuuhhhhhh what do I write? I'm here in New York scrambling to get make ends meat as a waitress. I live in a not so nice part of harlem and auditioning just gets harder and I haven't heard anything? Is that really interesting? Am I just highlighting my struggles or what some my construe to be my failures?

Perhaps, but I'm going to brave it.

So, I'm here Internet confessing that the past 6 months have been hard and I can sum up what I've done in 3 uninteresting sentences. Yet, here I sit in the sweltering heat of my non air conditioned apartment in the middle of August turning over a new leaf committing myself to write about my adventures.

Another thing about New York...

2009-03-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

....is the distinct difference in gentleman-ness towards women here.

Walking home from the grocery store today I carried a cart full of groceries, my laundry, my purse and another plastic bags with eggs to keep them from getting crushed when some gentleman pulls his car over and offers to help me carry my stuff to my door. He said, "Need any help? I'm just trying to be a gentleman?" Granted I know it was only because he thought highly of my womanly features because when I replied no thank you and yes, I'm sure I'm fine to his many reattempts to help, he says, "You take care of your pretty self." Smiling and flattered I walked away thinking - if a guy thought I was hot walking down the street in San Francisco, I'd be lucky to get a horn honk and a screaming -"Hey Baby"

Winter in New York

2009-03-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

When visiting Lexie in August ’08, she took me to one of her favorite spots in New York where she would go if she felt remotely homesick. I didn’t really understand what that felt like until I moved here, and now I have a favorite walk. Sure, most normal people have a favorite spot, but I am restless. Thus, I have a favorite walk.

Walking from the green line (4 or 6 east side) to the blue line (A,C,E west side) from the 59 stop. If you’re starting the walk from the east side, you’re standing at 59 and Lexington, which is in the middle of shopping land including Bloomingdales, Nine West, Steve Madden and many other stores for the retail soul. I walk on 59th Street with Central Park to my right finishing at Columbus Circle. Yesterday, I started the walk at Columbus Circle and walked to the east side and then through the park back to Columbus Circle. I felt like I missed winter being consumed with moving, job hunting, auditioning and settling into the comforts of Harlem. So, I welcomed yesterday’s blizzard leaving behind ten inches of snow that New York residents hope will be enough for work to deem a snow day to curl up in the arms of their lovers.

On my walk there is this bridge. It’s my favorite part of the walk, and I see this bridge in the park in all seasons. I hope to take this same picture for all seasons, but here my friends is New York in the winter:

This is a picture I took standing on my favorite bridge looking at my walk:

Here are some more shots I took in Central Park, but I left out the pictures of people illegally tubing and cross-country skiing mostly because my frozen fingers were dealing with text messaging.

While auditioning for a season...

2009-02-21T22:28:00.000-08:00

My last post was brought to you while sitting in the Les Miserables audition, and I’ve discovered that sitting at auditions are the time that I get the most downtime to write. Auditioning in New York is extremely brutal. This is how the Les Miz audition went:

I got at the studio at 8:00am and put my name on the list. I was number 284 only to be followed by 200 more girls asking to be put on the list. By the time the audition started at 10:00am, 500 girls had signed up for the audition. They did not want to type out so they broke the list into groups of 30 people and put people into a room and lined us up in three lines of 10. They taught us two lines of “Lovely Ladies” and then went down the line one by one singing as much of the 12 bars as he saw fit. Then he kept people as he saw fit to stay and sing some more. I got to stay and sing Cosette in the same fashion as before. 30 girls lined up learned two lines of her song and then kept. I got cut after the first call, but at least I got called. The ladies sitting next to me didn’t. I know they were being particular and I still have faith that my time will come for something. After all, this is just my 4th audition. I’ve been here four weeks. It’s going to take time.

In other news, I got a job. Actually, I got two. I’ve started this marketing internship for a known Broadway producer. I’m helping him get his start-up off the ground which is pretty fantastic. I can’t say much about the work I’m doing for it is a start-up and I have signed a NADA. Yet, I think this will be a great opportunity for me should it work out.

I also got my waitress job. I’m currently working at Fat Annie’s in NYC. It’s a great great great place to get some real waitress experience instead of catering only. It is a restaurant described as southern comfort style cuisine. Yesterday was my first day. Here are a couple of things I have to get used to: 1) Ketchup. 2) Standing on my feet 3) Getting out of my comfort zone. The smell of ketchup makes me vomit. I touch it and I think I smell like it ALL DAY LONG. I hate ketchup everything about it. The taste, the smell, the look and in fact if ketchup and mosquitoes disappeared from this earth, I would be a very very very happy woman. I would go as far as to say that those two things are the worst things ever. I mean ever. Everyone who works there so far is very nice and the work seems to come very quickly to them. Right now, I’m in training so my schedule is not on the books. I don’ t know what my schedule is. Everyday that I go in I just get put back on the schedule for my next training day. I’m working on memorizing the menu, but I got home last night and I wanted to collapse. It was 8:30pm and they put me on a double. I had been there since 10:30am on my feet. Serving is going to be fine. I think I will do fine.

And so begins the delicate balance between working for survival and surviving in the theatre; both a daunting task. Take today for example. I woke up at 4:30am by the sound of the battery dying in the carbon monoxide detector which I tried to sleep through but that didn’t happen. My alarm went off at 5:00am and I got changed and headed to the audition arriving with my roommate at 6:47am. I am number 123 and she is 124. This means that I potentially will not be seen before I have I need to be at work at 1pm to work in the marketing place for a few hours. Then I’m off to work the dinner shift at 5pm till closing. So I’ve been up since 4:30am and I won’t get home until 12am. Thus, I learned a very valuable lesson about open non-equity calls. You must get here at 6am. MUST MUST MUST. Well, if you want to be seen early then you want to be here at 6am. Something that is potentially disturbing me about waitress is that it is just as difficult to get to auditions if you’re working a lunch shift and need to be there at 10:30am. Then, if you are working a double, you’re there for 12 hours and forget about getting to any audition. If I wanted to work those type of days than I could get an office job from 10:30am until 7pm and call it a job. Flexible is hard to find and in this economy I should just be happy that I HAVE a job. It’s part of the reason these audition calls are incredibly brutal. Everyone is out of work including actors non equity and equity. 300+ people are showing up to these auditions to these open calls. All things I know and knew before I moved here but it sure is one thing to hear it versus experiencing it. I’m trying desperately to let it go. To know that whatever is meant to happen will happen. That all I can do is my very best before I burn out, and hope that all things will fall into place. I know this will happen but my mental energy is starting to get sucked up. How long will I be able to keep up working these 15 hour days with little to no rest? Don’t get my wrong. I’m not discouraged. I’m not complaining. I actually feel motivated and energized sitting here waiting for my chance to sing and surrounded by people who talk about their upcoming auditions. I love that. I’m living the life I dreamed about since I graced the stage in ’98. Now it is time to get out of these open call lines by getting my equity card and getting some gigs.

Can we talk about the audition room for a second? First of all, it’s so packed. SOOOO packed. People are sitting wherever there is space, and it’s difficult to even dream about walking through the sea of human bodies to the door to get to the bathroom. At the Les Miz audition, I got called to sing, and I stepped on someone’s foot to get to the table. I felt terrible about it, but really I thought it was her bag. I had to step SOMEWHERE and the floor was covered. The room is also like a wannabe red carpet room. You should see some of the things that women wear! One of the girls was wearing a purple dress that you could see her boob from her profile. Really? What on are these woman thinking? I would never wake up and think – let me put on no clothes. Ok, I have to go and focus on what to sing. I need to start focusing on this audition and seeing if I can wiggle my way to be seen before 12:30pm.

A Day in New York

2009-02-12T05:33:00.000-08:00

In the last two days I discovered why people often type New Yorkers to be rude, mean and inconsiderate. New Yorkers are not rude, mean and inconsiderate; other people here lack common sense which is very difficult to tolerate.

I should have known that the last two days were going to be difficult when I woke up on Tuesday morning to discover my roommate's cloths strewn about the couch destroyed by the bleach at the laundry mat with notes from screaming WTF?!?!?! We sat on the couch for the morning commiserating about our lack of jobs, auditions and I tried to console her about her ruined clothes. Trying to find the comedy in our tragic story, I got a phone call for a hostess interview and I had to be on the east side by 2pm.

Great. I hopped in the shower and checked hopstop to figure out how to get there. It's tricky because I'm west and north of Central Park and getting to the east side takes two - maybe three - trains to get to that side. I had to take the D to Yankee Stadium and then transfer to the 4. Now, the B and D run on the same line. The A and the C run on the same line. If you're going downtown, these 4 lines essentially stop at the all the same stops but not if you're going NORTH. Well, I'm an idiot and I didn't discover that until I hopped on the C got off at 161 and discovered that this not a Yankee Stadium stop. So, I had to GO BACK to 145 and get back to the D.

Crap. I'm walking quickly to the station and this person in front of me was lollygagging up the stairs. Not only was she lollygagging, she was TAKING OVER THE SUBWAY STAIRS. I heard the train pull up and I'm doing everything I possibly can to get around her. I almost pushed her, but then I saw the train close the doors and go by. ARGH! ARGH! YOU MADE ME MISS MY TRAIN YOU LOLLYGAGGER YOU!!! It was the D too, so, I had to wait another 20 minutes for the D to arrive. I left at 1pm, and it's now 2pm. A whole 60 minutes to go two stops? I'm still in Harlem and it's been 60 minutes? Oh man where is that lollygagger?!?! The D finally arrived and I got to Yankee Stadium which was filled with lollygaggers. FILLED! MOVE OUT OF MY WAY I NEED TO GET TO THE FOUR PLATFORM!!!! Guess it's Murphy's law because I got to the top of the stairs just as the doors were closing for the 4. It just isn't my day. It's now 2:30. I'm still in Harlem and I was so supposed to be there at 2:15pm.

Yes, of course I called.

I get to the restaurant at 2:50 pm. Luckily for me, they really weren't honoring appointments. It was a free for all essentially and people just waited in line for a job. Already flustered I listened to the interview before me, and this girl with five years experience as a server was interviewing before me. I'm late, flustered and feeling defeated and they call me to the table. I interviewed like crap and decided to do some retail therapy. It didn't help because I have no job and I refused to spend any unnecessary money.

Yesterday, I went to an open call for a serving position. Over 100 people showed up and four people were shuffling through the applicants. My roommate and I met this amazing new friend Beau. The three of us each interviewed with different people. My interview went really well, and I think I have a chance at this job. She said she was going to call me on Friday, so, I'm not going to say anything until something is for sure. Until then I'm going to continue to look for a job!

Finally - I got to sing.

2009-02-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

A Little Night Music in Florida held auditions in New York on Sunday. So, I sent in my headshot and resume in. A couple days later - I got an appointment!

F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!

I keep going to these equity auditions to wait for hours only to be turned away by a scoffing hand. Thank goodness for that paper EMC card - I'm going to laminate it.

Anyway, I got to the audition and they were running an hour behind. After waiting 5 plus hours to sing a measly 16 bars of music, 1 hour seemed like a drop in the bucket - a mere hour I happily waited through. I think I had been starving to sing for so long the anticipation started to eat at me a little bit and not in "I'm nervous way." My anticipation felt more like: let-me-in-there-right-now-to-sing-these-sixteen-bars-of-music-or-I'm-going-to-BURST! Luckily, I had all day to warm up slowly and practice my material. Thus, I finally felt warm and ready to sing when it my turn came.

I walked in. I introduced my song and sang the end of "If I Loved You."
He said, "That was fantastic." Did you hear that? He said it was fantastic.. fantastic...fantastic...people in NYC don't use that word. This was supposed to be the audition that spit me up and chewed me out. My first audition was supposed to make me question why I ever moved, why I ever even had the inclination that maybe just maybe I could sing for a living and none of that happened. He said, "fantastic."

But...

He also said I was too old for the role.
That i was great to meet me and thanked me for singing for them today.

I'm NYC. Win some miss most, but he said it was fantastic. I am going to take that away from the audition because it pretty much is an amazing compliment. I keep saying it - my time is coming, and it IS. I just want it to come NOW! Ok fine, how about......... now?

My First New York Audition

2009-02-07T07:49:00.001-08:00

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to call this my first NYC audition because I’m not sure if I’ll get seen since I am a non-equity at an equity call, and I did go to that West Side Story Audition. Ok, let’s call this my first audition since living here. I posted on my facebook today that I was going to auditions today. I’m so blessed to have this incredible network of friends and family that love me and support me because I got here and already had a million text messages showering me with love and confidence. I couldn’t help but wonder as I stepped off the subway at 6:30am dressed to the nines how long it will take to get old. By “get old” I mean, the thrill of auditioning, the getting up at 5:00am to get to an audition you may not be seen at, the constant waiting, the love and support – essentially all of it. Will I write on my facebook status- 702566788347 audition? Yes, I probably will. I love this room. I love this environment and I don’t mind the waiting.

I learned a couple of really important things:

I’m at an Equity call in the equity office. Equity is the union for actors and stage managers. If you are apart of this union, you are considered a professional actor. You no longer can audition for unpaid shows. Non-Equity folks can show up to audition, but you may or may not be seen. So I had been advised to show up first and early.

When I arrived at 6:30am, I discovered that four lists exist and you should find out what list you must sign up for before you get there. 1) Equity with appointments. 2) Equity without appointments. (alternatives) 3) EMC (Equity Membership Candidate) 4) Non-Equity. The class hierarchy is pretty much amazing. There is an equity lounge that is moniterd. Noone can pass the monitor unless they show their equity card or EMC card. In this lounge there are woman dressing rooms, pillars with mirrors, bathroom, comfortable chairs, plugs and information on other auditions – actors haven. If you’re non-equity, you’re sitting in the hall on these skinny little brown benches that make your butt go numb within ten minutes of sitting and you’re not allowed to use the bathroom.

No, I’m serious.

If you’re non-equity and you have to use the bathroom, you have to walk outside of the building and around the corner to the McDonalds. It really blew my mind but I’m not kidding you. It’s true.

Anyway, it just so happens I had to wait until 10am to go into the equity lounge because I had not picked up my EMC card yet, and the office didn’t open until then. Once I got my card, I thoroughly enjoyed my time sitting and waiting in equity lounge only to discover that at 12:00pm that EMCs will not, in fact, be seen.

It’s ok. I know it’s a tough market but what’s it going to take to be seen?! This is the second time I’ve gone out there and the second time I haven’t had a chance to sing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discouraged ALREADY! I’m just eagerly awaiting my turn. It’s coming. I know it.

Chapter 4 – New York, New York

2009-02-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

The much-needed family visit was a success. Despite my misfit feelings I didn’t know I’d have to combat for as long as have and for as long as I currently foresee, I enjoyed spending time with my family. I never got to celebrate the soon-to-be arrival of Mr. Logan Joos, but with Ms. Lily Joos, I got to share in the joy of her almost birthday which is currently scheduled for March 12th.

Mom and I arrived in New York, New York on Monday, January 19, 2009. Eagerly anticipating my new apartment I had yet to see, we jumped into a cab and promptly gave him my street and the street crossing. It took at least three repeats for this cab driver to figure out where exactly we were going. This should have been my first clue.

My mom, four suitcases, a guitar, my cat and I arrived to my new apartment in Harlem at 10:30am and patiently waited for my roommate to arrive with my key. During the hour we waited, we managed to get into the “lobby” of my apartment complex which is about the space of two people standing in between two glass doors. Mind you – it’s snowing and we’re freezing. I noticed quickly that the bottom glass section of the door was completely shattered, so, I decided to check out the place. Well, at least see the front of my door.

I walked through the door and immediately suffocated by the smell of urine located – only God knows where, and I noticed the punched holes in the wall of the hall. My ears flooded with a screaming child, and a barking dog as I stared down at the concaved rock/marble/granite mismatched concaved stairs. Careful not to let any part of my clothing touch the now dirt filled walls, I walked to the third floor to see the door of what I would soon call home. My door is a metal door luckily enough to have a peep hole but slightly resembling the front of a single cell prison door. I half expected to see a police officer guarding the entrance. Feeling hopeless, I walked back towards my cat and my mom trying to shake the images of Basketball Diaries and my luxurious apartment in San Francisco.

Holding back tears and trying to safe face for my mom, my roommate arrived and handed me the keys to the apartment, and so began my journey in New York.

For the record, I am describing to you how I felt then and not how I feel now – 20 days later.

The apartment inside is so cosy and endearing. Yes, it is a hobbit hole. Yes, we call it the shire. Yes, we call my room “Fort Bev.” Yet, it is a home- my home - a home with all my stuff in it. I got to sleep in my bed, which I haven’t slept in for four months. It has a living room with two bookcases, a piano, a futon, a window. It has a little tiny kitchen with a half size stove that can only be opened when my bedroom door is closed. My room has my queen-sized bed lofted, but I can’t stand underneath it. The bed takes over the entire bedroom and one must “scoot” past the start of my bed frame that takes over 90% of my doorway to get to the closet and really the only spot in my entire room that one can stand up in. Seriously, I live in a closet with a bed in it. ☺ Despite my description, it’s really not that bad. I actually kinda love it. It’s small, cute, with a piano, a great roommate and my bed. It’s really just perfect for my first New York apartment.

The first week went by extremely quickly, I finally understood what “New York minute meant because a week went by and it felt like a day. My mind could not rest even at 4am in the morning because there was so much to focus on - to think about - to hope for.

It’s my time. This is going to take some time, but it is my time.

Chapter 3: The Road Trip

2009-01-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

Day 1
The past 10 days have been filled with last minute details, packing, long drawn out goodbyes and tears. Lots and lots of tears.
However, the 4 day road trip started this morning at 9:20 am this morning after a fun filled evening with some dear friends, a sleepless night, and a tearful family "see you later."

I drove the first leg of the trip to Buttonwillow (took me to my junior high days). We stopped at Subway, which we discovered was owned by two guys named Nick and Rainy. Rainy? Really- was it rainy that day? I mean the poor kid. :) I walked into Subway, and I said, "May I please have an six inch Italian Spicy on the Italian Herb." She said, in this order, "What kind of bread? Would you like a six inch? The BLT of the Spicy?" I jumped over the counter and turned her hearing aid up.

We proceeded towards Flagstaff and witnessed a beautiful sunset leaving the brightest fullish moon to shine. The moon was so bright it cast shadows of trees, and we were left squinting debating whether or not we should purchase moonshades. We decided to stop in Needles for dinner, but we soon discovered - Needles = DARKSVILLE. Not a single light was shinning, and we were surrounded by houses and food business. Ok fine. We could see the light of a flickering tea light from the window of one of the houses, but even the street lights were out. Perhaps a blackout? Yet, the light of the 76 station remained shining. Nervous giggles filled our car as we U-turned away from the only living people in this desolate town on their two creepy bicycles that were moving towards us. We quickly got back on to the freeway singing, "bye bye bye darksville."

After sixty more min of driving we crossed the Arizona border and decide to stop at Wendy's in Kingsman. We were greeted by a very enthusastic employee who began explaining to us the bubble fight they were participating in the back, while randomly bursting into song and explaining to us how musical she is. I can't decide if my favorite part of the Wendy's experience was how she rellished in giving us free water, soda and sour cream or was it when she said, "I love living in small town because you know everyone. Do you guys live in Kinsman?" Tough call really. We left Wendy's only to be greeted with our first Squeaks scare.

She has been an angel the entire drive. I mean the entire drive. We get to the car and JS turns to me and says, "Have you seen Squeaks?" I reached around behind me and underneath my bed for she spent the first half of the trip underneath my seat. No Squeaks. She said, "I just saw a cat outside." I immediately leapt out of the car and saw this gray cat with a raccoon esk tail that looked exactly like this:

I yelled, "Sqeaks come here." This cat turns around and darts into the dropped off reviene next to the freeway. JS grabs Squeaks' food and we stand at the edge calling her - Squeaks! Squeaks! Squeaks! However, the freeway is so loud we can't even hear our own voices let alone expect Squeaks to hear us. Even the tapping of her food bowl will not bring her up this hill. JS turns to me and says, "are you sure she isn't in the car?" Sure enough. This cute sweet little cat is peering out the window looking at us saying, "what are you crazy kids doing?"

We continued on the I-40 and got to Flagstaff at 10:30pm. My angel cat continued to behave as she quietly sat in her carrier as we proceeded to sneak her into the hotel.

Day 2
We kept losing an hour as we continued our drive. So, we woke up at 7:00am, but it felt like 6:00am. We sat down and tried to enjoy our free continental breakfast. Yet, we shared our morning with a gentleman who has a 24 year old daughter who danced professionally for 20 years, but she no longer dances. She no longer dances. She no longer dances. I think he told us she no longer dances. 3 times. No, 12 times. It became a very awkward conversation, and we laughed while backing away - slowly.

We really wanted to get to New Orleans at a reasonable hour for dinner and to go out. So, we decided to push through and drive as far as we possibly could on this day. Then Day 3 would not be as grueling. So we drove through Arizona and New Mexico. We stopped at California Pizza kitchen in an outside mall in Albuquerque. We drove through the very boring scenery that is New Mexico and into Texas. Luckily, the billboards did not disappoint.
My favorites were in New Mexico - a huge billboard for Absence followed by - "wake up lucky." I wished they were next to each other. We had dinner in Texas at Applebees. This is what I learned: they cook everything soaked in butter. They smoke inside. It is stinky.

We got our second wind with our conversation down memory lane and we continued to drive to Witchita, Texas even after losing another hour. 12am we checked and sneaked Squeaks into our hotel. Texas loves Texas. I mean nobody loves Texas loves Texans.

Day 3
This morning was definitly the toughest. We struggled to wake up, and Squeaks wasn't even awake when the alarm clock went off. I knew it must have been early! Granted, it was 7:30 - but we were 2 hours ahead of what we were used to. Plus, we had been driving for the past two days! We should have known that today was going to be a tough day since it didn't start off the greatest. We wanted to grab breakfast and get in the car and go. We get there - no carry out. Ok, so we'll eat inside. Our choices were extremely limited, but we decided on cereal. Texas doesn't believe in low fat, so, I put whole milk into my cereal. JS goes to put milk in her cereal, but I had taken it all. Of course I gave her some, but there was no milk for tea and coffee. We thought we could hack it, but an hour into the drive the two of us start seeking out a Starbucks as we continue to incessantly yawn. We grabbed our coffee and proceeded to New Orleans. Yup, we were going to get there at 8pm.

Our directions started to become a little confusing as we drove through Texas. We were looking for 557 to get to 20, and we kept seeing signs for 20, but no 557. It just so happened that JS was talking to her mom at the time, so, we asked her to get us to the 20 because we think we veered off. We got to the 20 and continued on. We crossed the line into Louisiana and the landscape instantly changed. Actually, we noticed that about every state line. Every time we crossed one the terrain instantly changed. Louisiana had some gorgeous lush small hills especially compared to the vast planes of Texas and New Mexico.

Now, we were looking for Interstate 10. We saw LA 10 and decided that it MUST be the same thing. We continue down this LA 10, and it really should have caught us a little more off gaurd than it obviously did because we no longer were traveling with trucks. It was a two lane two way road surrounded by houses and people bike riding and essentially living their normals lives in LA. So, we dead-ended into the Mississippi River. No, really. It looked like this:
Notice how it was dusk? That's right. The sun is setting. We have no maps. We can't get my mom on the phone. We can't get the Whipples on the phone. We are lost in the heart of the country in Louisiana. My sister, JJ, got us through the country back to the 190 to the 10. We're both holding our breath as we stressfully pray we are going in the right direction. Please oh please may we not be lost here in the dark without a single public place in sight. Luckily, JJ got us back on the freeway back on track with no time lost. Guess we got lost in the right direction. We got to New Orleans right on time at 8pm.

However, NO is like San Francisco. I really should have gotten us a place to stay ahead of time because it was very difficult to just find parking and find a place. We were in a city and combatting one way streets. Luckily, JS' mom was there to save us. (again) We ended up finding a place through hotels.com, and they assured us that the $56 a night was a steal compared to the normal $120. So, I booked a spot immediately. We pulled up to the hotel only to discover that we must use vallet parking. Sure! Except - we have a cat that I am almost 99% sure is not allowed in this hotel. Again, I'm so lucky to have such an amazing kitty!!! We snuck her in, and no one was the wiser. After about 10 minutes of frustrating phone conversations and checking in arguing, we hit the town of New Orleans. We ended up on the famous Bourbon street, and we were greeted with the very thoughtful and generous cat calling, but the smoking inside still remained a joy kill. Plus we were bombarded with men from the army trying to talk to us about their wives and four children they left at home while showing us pictures of themselves taking shots from a woman's crotch. Those weren't even the worst ones because the other ones probably would have offended us we were told.

Disappointed with the scene, we were still grateful to be walking around, and not sitting in a car. We headed back to the hotel and leisurely woke up the next morning after putting our smoke filled cloths in quarantine. My hair still smells of smoke. The smoking inside made us smell more like smoke than smokers in California.

Day 4
We checked out and hit the road to Tampa at about 10am full knowing we had a 10 hour day ahead of us, and we were about to lose another hour. We weren't discouraged. We took pictures of the french quarters in the day time, and hit Interstate 10 in no time. We passed through Mississippi, Alabama and got to Florida by 2pm. It was so thrilling to drive through all those states in such a short amount of time, and the sites were breath taking. Mississippi had fantastic trees, Alabama had the confederate flag and Florida just had beautiful beaches through the pan handle. Frankly, I was surprised to see the offensive flag only in Alabama. I thought I would see it throughout Louisiana and Mississippi too.

We decided to stop for lunch at Subway since we really were trying to avoid eating so much fried food, and we found one - in a gas station. So there we are eating our subway sandwiches in a gas station. Comical really. We stopped for dinner around 8pm at Sonny's BBQ. After my mother gave us a little 20 minute detour, we ended up at my parents house in Tampa safe and sound. All is well.

Today I said my last CA goodbye as JS stepped on the plane after spending a week traveling with me across the USA. This heart-wrenching goodbye left me with the feeling of "the calm before the storm" for I feel like I've been on vacation galavanting across the United States and visiting my parents in Florida. Soon I will be in a snowing state with no job, no shows and two friends. Oh, and I'll have a cat. I love her. I have more things to say about my fears and worries about New York and how awesome it has been with my family. However, I will save that for another long post!

I have so many more photos. I'll post them on my photobucket... just give me a few days. There are some posted on facebook already - I'm happy to show you just let me know if you want to see them.

Bye Bye Bye 2008 you were Great

2008-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

One of the many benefits of documenting life online is being able to hold myself accountable for goals and "New Year Resolutions." They really should just be called January resolutions because throughout the year life gets in the way and changes things, but I'll remain positive. Let's look at the goals for 2008.

I'd like to blog/write more this year, and become more skilled at the art.

Ok. So I wrote more than 2007, but did it become a more skilled art? Perhaps? There is no measure. Am I happy with this goal? Sure. I feel accomplished in this goal. Do I want to continue to pursue this goal? Sure. I have a feeling that I'll be writing A LOT in the coming months.

I'd like to get at least half of my equity points this year.

I must have been drunk when I wrote this. Better yet, I must have been drunk when I THOUGHT this. Ok, so I DIDN'T get half my equity points, but I did perform in four shows this year, which is HALF of what I did last year, but I did get larger roles this year. All positive. Plus, one of the shows was in an equity house. So, I didn't get half of my points, but this goal is unrealistic! So, do I feel like I failed? Nah. Performing wise this year was extremely successful.

Perhaps get married and have a baby. - I'm so joking...

Uuuuummmm.... I'm really speechless. I can't believe that I wrote this. Well, that isn't entirely true because I'm sure I thought it, but I actually documented it? Then I said - just kidding (not really). I don't really have anything to say about this "goal" except it's lame. My time will come.

So, my 2008 goals WERE LAME! Ok, I should be nice and not judge, but c'mon. Let's get real here those goals that were documented were LAME. How about some real goals for 2009, but here is the tricky thing: I want to set my expectations high as long as I don't beat myself up if I do not "accomplish." I set these goals to motivate myself to encourage myself to be the best me I want to be. With that said, "failure", I welcome you, but I will do my absolute best.

2009 Goals.

1) Get a job in New York.
This is probably more of a Jan. goal, but it's the heaviest thing on my mind right now. Work and audition.

2) Get cast in a show.
This is also heavy in my mind. I'm performing a lot in the bay area, and it's hard to leave the work. I hope and pray for opportunities in NYC.

3) Dance.
I love to dance, but it hasn't come easy. The goal is to get into as many dance classes as possible and become a little more solid in my ability. I'm not terrible, but I need to be more solid.

4) Stay (sigh the obvious one) in Shape.
I did ok during the holidays, but I won't have a gym in NYC at first. I hope to find a safe running regiment to maintain. I'm not sure I will be able to motivate myself. My PT here was amazing. It's true, I was lying on the floor of the gym this morning. I'm not exaggerating I was lying on the floor wanting to die!

6) Maintain my relationships new and old.

7) I'd like to work on my ability to communicate and say what is on my mind. Ask for what I want.

8) Start playing the piano and guitar regularly again.

9) Design, code and launch my website.
I have been putting this off because it feels so narcissistic. I will do it this year.

That's enough right? If I have more, I'll post it.

I'm just glad that this is the first year in three years that I have not brought with me a cold! Thanks exercise and rest!

The Magic Number is 2

2008-12-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

It’s a bleak day today. Thus, the wallowing shall commence in 3…2…1…

Action:

(sigh).** Every anticipated year-end is greeted with the hopes, goals and dreams for a much desired “Happy New Year.” Each time I think, this coming year is going to be so much better. It never does seem to be that much better. Sure, some years are far worse then others like my 2004 – that was a very tough year sans a silver lining. Yet, every other year always seems to have some silver lining: 2000, 20002, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007. I left out 2001 because that was a great year, and I think it was the only year I though: may all years be this great. I did have some struggles to work out and get through in 2001, but the good far out weighed the negative in that year. Now it’s time to reflect on 2008, and the start of how the number 2 has become my nemesis.

/*Wallowing break:
I will say that the greatest thing that happened for me is that I discovered how supported I am, and I REMEMBERED the silver lining. Now I must focus on it. */

2 Things of 2008

1) I had 2 heartbreaks this year, and there is no pain like the pain from your “best friend.”
I detailed the demise of Pasha in my previous writings, and I was mum about my short captivating heart encounter and that is how it will remain. I will say that he is amazing in every way, and although the feeling of rejection erodes my heart today, I know that we have a sincere friendship that I will continue to value and cherish. Plus, he fulfilled a greater purpose in my life that I will write about when I’m ready.

Not only am I eating, living and breathing heartache at the moment, I’m surrounded by the happy 2somes that I am so blessed to have in my life. Then I stare into the faces of attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women wanting to be with their partner in crime, but it doesn’t seem to work out. It haunts me a little. Is that my destiny? Then I see many attractive, talented, smart, generous and amazing women that are extremely happy leading the bohemian single lifestyle. Is THAT my destiny?

The Silver Lining:
I am embarking on the greatest and most important relationship of all, and I’m getting to focus and spend time with myself. I’m constantly reminded of the amazing family and friends and out pours of support and love that so many people in this lifetime lack. I am so lucky. Again, I am so lucky.

2) I moved out of my San Francisco apartment.
The 2nd hardest thing I did this year for I loved that place. It marked a huge milestone for me in my life, and showed tremendous growth for I never thought I could live alone.

The Silver Lining:
I moved out of something great, so I can start building something greater in New York. Something ELSE I never thought I could do which is just another example demonstrating my personal growth. I am moving forward in my life. I am.

These are my heaviest 2 personal tragedies of 2008. Of course I’m leaving out the fact that I was laid off from my job, that there were TWO emotional unexpected deaths, and a bunch of other unfortunate tragedies in 2008, but of course I was going to leave my job anyway and death is a reality I had been lucky enough to only really experience now.

I can’t leave the 2008 conversation without the Yang to the Yin. I must document the 2 greatest events of 2008.

1) Performing.
I performed in an equity house this year, and I got to play Maria in West Side Story (only the greatest role of all time.) Gee, how lucky am I?

2) New York.
I decided to make the move. I’ve talked about this at nauseam. I really can’t say much more about it until I step off the diving board. I’m at the edge now. I’m looking at the water.

Although 2009 is starting off with reminiscent heartache, a genuine fear of the unknown and the desperate plea for a better year, I do remain hopeful and positive. I KNOW there are so many people out in the world that are less fortunate than I. I am so LUCKY to be so blessed. I am grateful that I can remember to think of these things during this transitional period in my life. I just hope that I can remember this mantra through January 10th.

**Every good wallow begins with a sigh.

Sunday Part 2

2008-12-28T21:35:00.001-08:00

It’s the second to last Sunday here in Mountain View!! In 13 days I will be somewhere in Arizona.

I’m sitting here in front of the television wearing my wool cashmere sweater and a purple scarf wrapped around my neck watching the movie/show that inspired it all! The four girls that I watched many hours over while debating whether or not I should move to NYC. The four girls that gave me the courage to pack up my bags in San Francisco and move! When I decided finally to move to New York, I watched many hours of this show to remind myself that I will have a blast despite the wretched turmoil that these four girls went through with love, men and work! Granted, they had each other, and my close network of friends will be strewn across California. It’s ok – that is what the Internet is for, and the telephone does wonders. Who knows what is in store for me, but I am starting to get extremely excited about the move. I am still terrified, but the excitement is taking over.

I spent this weekend looking for a winter coat! I went to Macy’s, Bloomingdales, Nordstrom and Burlington Coat Factory. Each store was covered with winter coats on sale. Macy’s even had a whole floor just for coats! I thought for sure that I would find at least ONE coat that was my size! Alas, I was incorrect. I did not find a coat in my size and I went to the stores at Valley Fair and the stores in San Francisco! I am a 4! A 4!!!!!! Is that really difficult to find? Yes. It is. There were only three 6’s in the entire store, and believe me I searched those stores like I was in ROSS! I suppose that I don’t have any choices left except to just wait until I get to New York. So, I finally buckled down and bought this down jacket that isn’t exactly CUTE, but at least I will be warm. I will be warm, and when I can get there I can look for a cute warm wool coat!

Getting Married Twice

2008-12-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today is mother's second 49th Birthday, and last year I wrote about how she is so amazing.

This year - I'm going to write about how my Dad got down on his knee and proposed to her again! After twenty-seven years of being married and thirty-two years of being together, my Dad tells my Mom that he cannot breathe without her. That the thought of being without her seems impossible! Everyone around in the family was bawling their eyes out including both my parents, and I only wish that I could have been there to experience the joyous occasion.

It's just a reminder for me.

There are good men out there, and one will find me. I can't wait to meet him.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sister: Are you really cooking in your stilettos?

Me: Yes. I'm so 1950s

Sister: Yeah, seriously.

Me: Ummm coming from the girl who is sewing a hat for her Boyfriend.

Ok Getting Closer.

2008-12-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

It’s true. I have not updated in a long time, but do you want to know how long and drawn out and how sad things have been as I struggle through the transition of this move?

My last post is still true, but this time I’m watching my life wind down quickly and quietly here in the Bay Area.

Do I Hear A Waltz closed this past Saturday, and my heart grew heavy with goodbyes because it marked the start of all my goodbyes. My friends are trying to squeeze time in for me with the holidays, and each time we see each other there is this tinge of – will this be the last time? I am aware that this move doesn’t have to be forever, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I keep reminding myself that even if I stayed things would be different. I’m looking at the people around me and seeing how their lives are moving forward, growing, changing and it would still be happening even if I was staying here. It is hard to leave comfort for the unknown, and I am finding the courage within myself that I didn’t even know I had. I keep saying over and over and over – if it doesn’t work out, just come home.

Even with that said, I’m feeling like a misfit. I still don’t really have a place. This bouncing around and lack of nesting is making me feel a little “I don’t belong.” I have faith that soon enough everything will fall into place, but the months of dragging on and leading up to this move has been painful. While I’d like to say that I wouldn’t do it again, so many great great great things happened in these past few months that never would have happened if I had left. For that I am grateful, and I am so glad that I stayed despite the fact I feel like I’m dragging my heels.

The Christmas show I worked on simultaneously with Waltz presented a very touching moment in my career. It was great to work with the kids, but also great to work with an amazing director and other amazing acting adults who shared their wisdom in living and experiencing NYC. I also got some great contacts that I will follow up on.

I put in my last invoice yesterday, and a coworker of mine gave me the 2nd Lil’ Wayne cd. It was very touching because I think we’ve had one conversation about how I like Lil’ Wayne, but maybe the fact that I do is so jarring to someone it is hard to forget! The last few days here at work have been great. We’re wrapping up the web project, well, phase 1 at least. So, now I’ve been asked to sing in a video for the company, and it’s been a lot of fun. I’m getting paid to sing!

I’m still trying to figure out what type of job I need to get in New York, but that is going to take some time to figure out. I think I need to spend more time with the people and with the scene.

Ok. That’s it for now.
Merry Christmas.

Almost 2009

2008-12-02T15:14:00.001-08:00

Aw, I haven’t updated in a while, but I needed a break from my crazy.

Ok. Fine. I have a small chance from escaping all my crazy, but I needed a break from my larger crazy that consumes my heart, my soul and my spirit. It has truly been a long time since I have felt so stoic, cold, empathetic and just a walking contradiction. At times I’m filled with an outpour of emotion, and other times – I’m emotionally numb. Believe you me - these are not my darkest days. I’m working through it and I am not alone. My spirit is filled with hope despite the whisperings of fear, despair and aloneness. I know that I am not alone, and that this is just part of my path. I have found peace in knowing that this is just part of my plan.

The show is wonderful. I have loved every single moment that I have had spending time with the cast, the music and Jennifer. She brings lightness to me that I have been craving, and I love it. I get a chance to wallow in her stupidity, ignorance, vein spirit and tragic soul! I love it. Love it love it love it! Three more weeks of that show, and then it’s over. I have been dreading that a little bit.

I’m also working on the Christmas show. It’s great. It’s wonderful. We’re going up next week, and I still have some memorizing to do, but I will be ok. I’m not too worried about it. Tonight we get to meet the kids, and I’m looking forward to it!

I cannot believe that today is December 2nd. What a year, and the start of 2009 will be fantastic!! Just 39 more days until I leave!!

48 More Days.

2008-11-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

The last few days really have given me the opportunity to reflect on what my life is going to be like in NYC. Since my show is open, and the Christmas show is right around the corner, plus - my friends are all moving forward and making their January 2009 plans.

My plans are stagnant.

Plain and simple: I have no plans right now except move to New York - in the dead of winter. I repeated over to myself a million times on Saturday night: it's going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine.

I think I almost convinced myself.

Right now I feel sheer terror, and watching the days on the calendar dwindle closer and closer towards January 10th. It's a day that I have longed for since August when I made the decision to go, but now that it approaches so quickly, I'm freaking out! My life is here in California with perfect weather.

I need guidance.
I'm confused.

I promise not to post false things about my experience. I won't sugar coat , and I will dive in whole heartily with hope and determination. I will forgo my pride if things do not work out. If I find that I am happier here then I am there, I will come home. At the very very least I tried, and many of you who know me, know I will not not easily give up.

Time Management

2008-11-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

I need need need to practice my time management skills.

I have to do a good blog everyday. Fail.

I have to get on the move for New York and bang out some details. Fail.

I have to finish a website that I've been dragging my heels on. FAIL!!!!!! - This one is causing me the largest amount of stress right now, but I'll manage. I am resolving this moment to stop being lazy and get on it.

So Busy

2008-11-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why today has been so busy!

I just have been doing all these errands and getting ready for the show. I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sorry my posts are so lame. Rest assure - I am doing my best.

Very Tired

2008-11-21T23:50:00.000-08:00

I cannot write tonight because I am so tired.

Please forgive me, but I'll leave you with this I am going to Oakland to see him.

Sooooo Good to be Back

2008-11-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

My mind should not be idle.
I should always be in a show.
I should always be surrounded by people.

At least for right now.

Being back with the cast was so wonderful. Seeing the emails fly back and forth about how I am not very much fun at parties and how I should "Drink what the lady is serving" made my day! I knew it was going to be a good show.

Sure enough, it was a great show. I mean sure, I had a little phlegm in the back of my throat that I should have cleared out, but eh. It was fine! At the end of "Moon in my Window" some one verbally said that was beautiful! So, that made me feel good, and they didn't start clapping through the acappella part. Thus, they must hear me. It's such a low song in my register. However, let me tell you the funniest part about tonight.

We are all alcoholics in the show, and I think that I have mentioned that before. However, there is this one party scene where we are all together laughing and drinking even with the little 12 year old gondola boy. The mistress of the house pours him a little spot of campari which is supposed to be ice tea! However!!!!!! Oh however!!!!! She doesn't know that the campari she has poured for the young boy is NOT tea! It is campari!

I really should not be laughing about this, and truly it makes me not want my children to be in theatre because they grow fast surrounded by so many adults in their spare time! They will be watching Dumbo until they are 12! They will be little angels and baking cookies with their mother! Not drinking campari with a cast filled with adults!

I'm just glad to be back in the comforts of theatre makes me feel less crazy.

Do Not Be Crazy

2008-11-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

I learned a very important lesson this week: don’t be crazy.

It seems simple to some, but a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly to my misfortune.

My sometimes-obsessive nature is causing me to dig, discover and read things that are detrimental to my self-esteem. Granted, nothing should really cause such a significant impact on my self worth, and believe me, I’m working on it, but I did not realize I would be so affected until it was too late.

I’m really concerned about my reaction on more than one level. First and foremost, my poor self-confidence! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I even started rereading some of my old journals and old life documentation on this blog and myself dismayed me. I could not believe some of the predicaments I have put myself through and accepted as natural and normal. Tis a shame, but I can assure you – I’m well aware of the issue, and I am working on it.

I started running and working out again! I have a new gym through my company, and they offer PT program that I am going to take advantage of while I am here. Yesterday I ran in the dark which was NOT a good idea. Running in San Francisco versus suburbia life is MUCH different. First of all, San Francisco is bright. Light is everywhere in San Francisco, but not in Los Altos. I could hardly see in front of me, and I felt nervous to be on the street at 7pm. Thus, my run did not last very long, but I did wake up and feel much better.

Being in this state of transition is not helping either. Listening to all my friends audition for tons of shows around here and nurturing my new and old strong friendships is causing severe pull on the heartstrings as I near the date to leave for New York.

I’m just taking a deep breath in and accepting that “this stuff” is out of my hands. I’m doing my very best in working towards being the person I want to and am meant to be, and everything will fall into the right place. I have already seen it start to happen. Stressing about things that are out of my control is just another detrimental testimony to my crazy. Again, I’m aware, and I’m making the conscious choices to fight against that instinct, but it’s difficult.

I’m surrounded by love and I’m focusing on all that right now.

My Old Friends

2008-11-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

Here I am with my favorite friends: House, Heroes and The Office.

I'm happy.

Sure. I would much rather be with my friends hanging out, but this is ok. I like hanging out with my old friends.

I will say, however, that I don't really understand how the show that keeps doing the same thing over and over and over and over again. I mean House is right EVERY TIME! EVERY TIME!! Yet his boss doubts him EVERY TIME.

Another Fantastic Weekend...

2008-11-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

...is coming to an end this wonderful Sunday evening.

The weekend of shows was great and spending time with my loved ones was even better. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to spend some more time with a friend of mine who was having a birthday this weekend, but that is ok because I will make up to him next week as soon as my dog duty days are over!

I had friends come see the show tonight and yesterday night! That was great! I loved being able to finally talk about and process the show! It was just an all around good weekend.

This week is going to be extremely busy. I have to start working on creating a website, and I am determined to get it done before Thanksgiving. i truly should have had it done much sooner, but one gets lazy. I am getting lazy. I need to get on it.

Now that I have a lot more free time, I can get it done.

What's the Line Again?

2008-11-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

Argh!!! The second weekend of Waltz is not going as fantastically as I would like to report! I'm a hot mess on stage right now and my definition of hot should not be repeated incase people are eating breakfast while reading this post.

My husband got a sinus infection and we had to cut a song the night before last, and I miss his strength in all of the group songs. It's throwing me because last night I dropped a line "Grazie" and then THEN I sang the wrong line in one of the group songs. It didn't rhyme with F's line. It stuck out like a sore thumb! The funny part about - well, I can say it's funny now, even though, it was not funny at the time was that I didn't even say my line!! I said one of my husband's lines! I mean I got off stage and I said, "Please someone help me. I seem to have misplaced my brain."

Beverley. Get. It. Together.

It's really embarrassing. I don't want people to come to this show knowing that I can't get it together.

On another note, I've told you that audiences don't like me right? SO strange to get used to! I'm not saying that I should be loved and adored by all, but when I read the character off the page, I did not find her to be unlikeable. Who hates the dumb people?
I guess she is a little stuck up and highly aggravating, but not likable? I mean we should pity her the poor girl! I mean really!!!!! It's ok. I have really loved working on this production. The talented people in this show motivate me to do a better job.

Walk = Action = Change

2008-11-14T17:01:00.001-08:00

Who gets kicked out of a Hanson concert? Well, I didn’t know it was possible till the concert on Wednesday.

The path, the road and the journey for Hanson has been an admirable and remarkable experience for the brothers, and I’m not just saying that because I’m completely and utterly enthralled with their music. Alas, I might be a little a bit biased but their effort is undeniable.

After their world-wide sweep in 1997, progressing as artists became extremely difficult because of the record company control. So after producing their 2nd album, Hanson invested in their talent, in their ability and in blind faith started their own record company producing their 3rd album. The upward struggle rang through in every song they produced on “Underneath,” which only came to audience ears after writing over 84 songs for this record that had been shot down by the Tyrant.

Then Hanson went to South Africa and spent time with women and children suffering from HIV and became to determined to make a difference – a contribution to the fight with any and all means necessary including 99c from itunes donated. Shoes donated. Walking one mile in every city during a tour to motivate people from all over the nation to make a difference! This is an extremely passionate subject for the band, and I am continued to be in awe of my favorite band. For them it’s always been about the music. Music changing lives. Music that speaks to people. Music that makes a difference.

So, Hanson’s talking about their journey and their fight to make a difference. It’s quiet in the small venue, and someone screams out, “EFFING PLAY MMMBOP.”

Calmly Taylor replies, “Security can you please escort him out.”

Issac says, “Please get your money back.”

Sure enough this guy walks out escorted by security, and Taylor continues to discuss the prevention of small coffins being built in Africa.

C’mon kid – would you make a joke at a funeral?

Truly, it was ridiculous.

Yes, Hanson did play Mmmbop and they were fantastic! The whole concert was fantastic, and for the finale they sang a complicated three part harmony at the end perfectly!!!!!!! Oh, they are so amazing in all respects.

Check out their impressive and generous fight for such an important cause. Take The Walk

The Show.

2008-11-13T23:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had a show. My poor "husband" has a sinus infection and lost his voice. So we had to cut song, and our song we struggled through! It was a tough night.

I still have not washed my face and I have not told you about the Hanson concert.

Tomorrow.

Mmmbop.

2008-11-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited for the Hanson concert tonight. Except - I still can't find the cd. Maybe I'll re-buy it tonight.

Every time I go to a concert it's always a little bitter sweet for me because I have to wonder - is this going to be the last one? Is it? Then my heart secretly breaks and I can feel the tears well up and I have to remind myself not to anticipate the negative.

Stay in the now. Stay in today. Enjoy.

Back on Track

2008-11-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

Each day things get just a bit easier, but today the holiday party invite that I had to No RSVP for was hard. It set me back, but it's ok. I cried, and feel better.

On the flip side, I talked to my New York roommate today, and yes things are still rolling with the move and I am extremely excited. While I was in Hawaii, we discovered that we got the apartment in Washington Heights! Of course, the money had to be wired the day before we got it essentially, and I was in Hawaii with no access to any bank or internet. I'm surprised Hawaii has running water.

So, the plan thus far, is to drive the car across country spend some time with my family in January, and my plane ticket is bought from Tampa, Florida to New York, New York on Monday January 19th.

It's been hard to be in this transition period for so long considering now that all my friends are looking for new shows to audition for and talking about their amazing callbacks. I am just sitting. waiting. anticipating. a future that is just right around the corner. Just get me through the holidays.

I can not find my Hanson Cd.

2008-11-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

So the whole world has stopped, and I can feel the tears starting to flow down my face.

Yes, I tried itunes. No, it's not there.
itunes - we're fighting.

UGH. It's really hard to focus on anything else except for the fact that I can't find my cd of my favorite band's 10th year anniversary album. Inside I am secretly loathing the fact I bought this lame apple computer and had to switch over my itunes because I'm only figuring out what I lost the hard way!

I'm sitting here at 3:33 pm on a Saturday not working, not rehearsing, and just relaxing. The laundry is going, and I'm trying t figure out what I'm going to wear tonight. :) I have some big plans.

Ok my dear friend called. I'm going to talk to her.

We Open Tonight

2008-11-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

And I'm feeling SAD!

This will be my last opening night in the bay area for a while. I hope it won't be my last opening night forever.

I'm Not An Overweight Hooker

2008-11-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

I played wii fit for the first time last night, and I stopped playing feeling very bad about myself. I've since then signed up for the gym, and gotten a personal trainer. I haven't done any of that - except sign up for the gym, and that was before I played wii fit.

I did, however, walk into Walgreens this morning at 7:00am because I had a few things I needed to pick up. We're opening the show tomorrow and I am wearing a blonde wig. Thus, my mission - grab the essentials. I get the mascara, the fake eyelashes, the blonde poppy pins, the wig pins, ask about a wig cap, and finish off with my birth control pills. Once the cashier throughly finished giving me the evil eye, he promptly reminded me that Halloween is over, and that this is not the Walgreens down on polk street. Smiling I said, "I'm in a Show. He replied, "Again, spare me the details."

Who cares if that conversation was in both of our heads! I know it happened

I'm Sad California.

2008-11-05T13:05:00.001-08:00

I've been mum on religion and politics because it really torments me. I have really strong opinions on what I believe to be right, and I'm well aware that my morality is based in Christianity. Yet, I have to say this because it's eating me up inside.

I have to believe that at the end of the day we all want the same thing: peace, love, respect and equality.

I have read many articles apposing Prop 8 and in support of Prop 8, and I've seen and heard the hateful mantras and actions coming from both sides and it sickens me. I'm watching relationships deteriorate before my eyes based on these differences, and it's taking everything in me to remain as open minded as possible, but please explain to me California why Prop 8 passed?

I don't understand.

I'm thrilled to see that our nation is ready for a radical change, but outraged to see that we can not look past our differences and see what is right for our fellow human beings.

It tears me up watching my friends fight an uphill battle towards a fundamental freedom, and I hope and pray that one day we will all stand together in acceptance.

The Right to Vote

2008-11-04T16:50:00.000-08:00

Since I've moved, my polls are now an hour away. I felt my cell phone alarm go off, and I thought I need the extra hour of sleep. I shut it off to try and go back to sleep.

I tossed and turned for ten minutes thinking about how voting is a privilege and how I owe it to my nation, my friends and myself to vote.

I forgo my shower and race to the polls only to stand in line for about 40 minutes, but I sat down at that station and cast my ballad. I walked away feeling rather emotional about this election because it's so important to so many people that I know and love dearly. This election will go down in history, and I have pride knowing my part in the movement towards equality. My part in the movement towards a better nation for my friends and for my family.

I'm sitting here in knots thinking about how the polls are going to sway. Is our nation really ready for the necessary change? One can only hope, and I believe.

Death by Tempo

2008-11-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

We have one more rehearsal before our invited dress rehearsal and nothing is going right. I have not worked with all seven of my costume changes, my shoes aren't re-heeled, I left them at thee theatre and the worst thing happened tonight:

At the beginning of Act 2, I am left sitting on the stage waiting for my husband's return. I start this beautiful trio ballad with the first three versus. Tonight also happened to be the first night with the orchestra. I take a deep breath after singing the first verse and incomes dust from that felt like it was left over from the set build. The dust is settling nicely in my throat and I can not breathe to save my life. I am desperately trying to cough as I'm choking out the song lyrics. There. is. no. way. " Moon in my oh-my-I-can-not-breathe." Its just happening, and I'm the only one on stage singing. I had to stop the whole performance, and choke to death on stage. Luckily, the entire cast came to my rescue swarming me with cups filled with water. Glad this is a drinking show and there is tons of liquid all around including water (playing vodka) and tea (playing whiskey). Still I could barely breathe and it didn't come back as fast as I would have liked. That has never happened to me in all my years of performing. Never. Not Once. Its one thing to get lost in a song or have other actors save you, but being the only one on stage with no rescue in sight. Terrifying. I opened my mouth to sing, and all I could thing was please let me breathe.

I felt the dust go into my windpipe and it is still lodged inside my throat.

How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? Do not breathe and swallow at the same time.

Tech

2008-11-02T23:28:00.000-08:00

Tech rehearsal is sooooo long! Especially on a night like tonight where I'm running on a few hours of welcomed interrupted sleep, and a christmas show rehearsal right before the dreary hours of tech.

This is going to be a great show! I can't wait for all to come and see.

Do I Hear a Break?

2008-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Is it true? Did I really sleep for 10 hours last night? Am I really getting two days off from my hectic rehearsal schedule and life?
I guess not really. I have two huge projects that I should be working on, and trying to wrap m brain around. Yet, I really need a break. I just need to take a moment and breathe and suck in the wonderful idea that I will not be working on any websites. I will not be rehearsing. I will not be driving around. I'm just going to take a big deep breath, and enjoy this wintery rainy day - and take in fall.

Rehearsal for Waltz has been spectacular. I know I haven't really said much about the process mostly because it has been so short, and because with the week off for Hawaii, all my energy has been focuses towards the production. The theatre is only 99 seat house, we have no mics, the sets are looking great, and most of all, the cast is so incredibly talented. It's such a pleasure and an honor to share the stage with these folks. Their talent and dedication has really inspired my creative talent. For one, I want to do a really good job to match their choices. Two, I've always felt like I've lacked creative-ness that I behave more like a monkey. Just do whatever you're told. This cast has really let my creative brain get worked, and I've actually come up with a lot of funny one liners - at least subconsciously. It's a real treat to play the dumb blonde trophy wife - character part for a change. Granted, I'll never trade my love sick, in turmoil and with character arch characters. Yet, after Maria and after Kim, this is a nice break.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T12:34:00.000-07:00

Boo!
Did I scare you? Well, I scared myself. I’ve actually been doing that a lot lately. Waking up after only 5 hours of sleep and looking in the mirror, I jump back in terror thinking what is that THING gazing back at me.

Oh, yes, it’s the sleep deprived, overly caffeinated and running on fumes Beverley starring back at you. (sigh)

I’ve been back from Hawaii for a week, and already it feels like an entire century ago. I realized that as I hit rock bottom last Wednesday:

It was the 3rd day of rehearsal, and I had been gone for a week, so, I was overly thinking about all the moments needing my focused energy. Plus, I have been commuting two hours everyday all over the bay area, and after rehearsal it was pumpkin carving day with my gracious sister who waited up for me to carve with me.

I got home around 11:30pm and we carved pumpkins for an hour with the angry feisty kitty, and she exercised her naturally creative talent and skills with her amazing Happy Halloween pumpkins. Mine looked like an outside cat after an after dark bar fight in the trashcans with the town’s local feral. Who cares that one eye is significantly larger than the other, the mouth is a little disfigured, and the ears are not proportionate! I’m tired ok. I need some sleep.

So, after the quick clean up I turned in around 12:30am. I turned off the lights and went to crash onto my mattress. The darkness took a little longer for my eyes to adjust, but I didn’t care – the goal was to reach my bed. When I arrived at what I thought was my bed, I put all my weight forward onto my hands knowing that I was going to hit the mattress in 2.5 seconds. Alas, I miscalculated the position of my bed, and the mattress was about 2 inches in front of me. Naturally I lunged forward with my leg to catch my fall, but my bed was right there, just not right in front of me. So, I lunged forward into my bed frame. Laughing and wincing with pain I turned on the light to look at the mark. Sure enough – there was the scrape on my knee serving as a constant reminder: get sleep, and don’t be a dumb ass.

I'm Home

2008-10-30T13:35:00.001-07:00

Walking along the beach my first night in Kauai I noticed an overweight middle aged man standing on an elevated wall of rocks wearing an unbuttoned and open obvious tourist Hawaiian shirt that might have fit him 3 years ago. His beer belly hanging over his khaki shorts, and his shaggy, uncut, un-brushed long curly hair pulled back in a pony tail. His smudgy glasses rested at the edge of his nose trying to hide his longing gaze as he starred down at the young, tan, muscle infused boys joyfully wake boarding at the crashing waves of the ocean on the beach.

He stood there for what seemed like an eternity obviously caught on his own wall between the unpredictable ocean and the safety of his limitation defined swimming pool behind him. I watched him turn into the safety of the calm unsuspecting, guilt-free pool leaving behind the unknown ocean. I felt the ping of his unfulfilled heart, and I thought may I not become trapped by my haunting friend: Fear.

Until Next Week

2008-10-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

I left Monday’s post stand alone for a few days and then I drastically changed the subject because the severity of the reality started to sink in. Knowing you’re moving, but you don’t have a date is a lot different than knowing your moving, you put in an apartment application and you have a date that you’re moving to NYC. I get extremely excited, and then I get extremely sad.

Anyway, I’m on vacation for a week. I’ll be offline, but I’ll be back next Saturday.

I'll Show You

2008-10-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

Coming home late from rehearsal the other night, I discovered that my cat, Squeaks, is crazy.

Jolted by the sound of my voice, she awakes from a deep slumber hiding underneath a quilt and anticipates my door arrival. “She heard your voice,” my honorary mom says as she carries Squeaks to me. Touched at first I quickly learned her eagerness strictly came from her desire to show me her new trick: she can jump EVEN HIGHER at herself in the mirror.

Taking her into the room, she leaps out of my arms and struts towards the mirror. She pauses to sit without breaking eye contact with herself for a second. I’m staring down at her, and she briefly decides to look at me then back at herself then back at me and she says, “I know there is a cat behind this door. Open the closet door this VERY MINUTE.”

So, as requested, I open the closet door and she tears through stopping in confusion to find a skateboard, cloths and endless piles of shoes.

Completely baffled she comes back out and sits on my lap and says, “ Why do you do this to me? Don’t you love me best?”

Laughing I reply, “Yes, Squeaks – I love you best, but I assure you there is no cat on the other side of the door. You are staring at yourself.”

So she burrows herself underneath my blanket and I turn off the light to go to sleep. Minutes later I hear the wheels in her brain. “ha,” she says to herself, “I’ll show her.”
Then she proceeds to jump at herself for another 20 minutes.

Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG
Run run run BANG

After countless attempts, she finally retreats to bed, but I’m desperately trying to sleep through the continuous BANG BANG BANG BANG. No wonder the poor dogs are going crazy. They don’t understand why there is a crazy cat in my room.

The Differences

2008-10-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

Transitioning from city life to suburbia life has been a rather difficult task. I didn’t quite understand the magnititude effect that San Francisco had on my perception of life. I first assumed that the adjustment would be easy since I lived in Mtn. View most of my life and then went to Sonoma State, and then I lived in San Francisco. By my behavior the last few weeks, you would swear I have never lived anywhere but San Francisco.

1) Lack of Driving Ablity
First of all, my driving skills have gone out the window. Going over 55 mph on the freeway seems ABSOLUTELY ABSURD to me, and I would much rather twist and turn down these obscure streets then continually travel down this bleak highway that never ends. Everyday feels like I’m driving to LA.

2) Sleeping with Crickets or without Crickets.
Going to sleep in utter silence was deafening, and for the first few nights I could not fall asleep sleep. No sirens? No over aggressive motorcyclists trying to prove their manhood? No loud drunkards calling for a taxi cab? Where am I?

3) Parking lots…
…are a nightmare. A complete utter nightmare and really San Francisco is better off with out them. It takes just as long to find parking in a lot then on the streets of SF, and I do not want to hear anymore wining about the one way streets in the city because you guys have the one way stupid parking lots that nobody pays attention to anyway.

4) Fast Food…
…is FAR easier to access. I forgot all about Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King and the rest of the usual suspects. Oh Krispey Kreme is close by and SO IS IN-N-OUT, and it only smells of very very good bad for you food instead of a room jam packed with tourists and the homeless.

5) Nothing is close by
In San Francisco there are a million different ways to get to ONE location. Tell me what street your on and what the cross street and I from anywhere in the city I will figure out how to get there. In addition, it’s a big giant circle. If I make a wrong turn, I’ll just go down the next street and cut over. The one way streets aren’t forgettable, and the free way is ALWAYS only a few miles away from ANYWHERE in the city.

This is not true in suburbia, and it’s very painful. You can not just wing it. You have to know exactly where you’re going and do not be alamared by driving through houses and school districts to get to a car auto place. Things here are not nicely sectioned off.

6) The driving is much more unbearable, and chores take you twice as long.
In San Francisco you need to go grocery shopping, go the bank and the post office. Sure, no problem. Just go to the safeway that has the bank and post office INSIDE – or go to SOMA where all three places are on the same block. No problem 30 minutes tops.
Not here.
You have to DRIVE EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere. Fight the parking lots, do the errand, and drive to the next place. Rinse. Repeat. An excursian that would take 30 minutes in San Francisco takes 70 minutes here with all the distance, driving and parking efforts.

7) Directions.
People here give the oddest directions, and I can not remember a time where I was just as guilty of such a crime. Please don’t write out all the different landmarks I’m going to see in paragraph form. I can not drive and read at the same time. It’s a skill I would like to develop, but alas, I am still in the beginning stages.

What do you mean you don’t know the street names?

“Go a little ways and turn right on where you see the big tree.”

“Ok. What’s the street name?”

“Um, actually, I don’ t know.”

People – are you kidding me?

The Count Down to NYC begins.

2008-10-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

The laundry list of events is piling up including: how I shaved off a layer of my skin on accident, the go carting experience on Saturday, Squeaks running into herself in the mirror, the hour before rehearsal last night at the pizza shop, the differences between suburbia and the city, but I think for some the anticipated results of the audition for Into the Woods is more of a pressing issue to divulge.

The audition itself went incredibly well. The usual self sabotage did take place, but I persevered and sang my very best. My reaction to the callback list happened to be the least anticipated; I felt relieved and overjoyed.

I have overcome so many obstacles my last three years in the bay area and to see that I was one of five people called back for Cinderella’s step sisters in a house with equity contracts with over 100 bay area actors auditioning felt like a paycheck. After all the hard work, I’m finally starting to go somewhere. All that said, I passed on the callback and decided to proceed with the move to New York.

So, it looks like I now have an official date of January 12th 2009.

My roommate and I put in an application for an apartment in Washington Heights, and we are eagerly awaiting the results. If that does not pan out, we have begun to aggressively search for places around the cheaper areas of Manhattan.

I’m filled with grief leaving the only area I have ever known and deeply love. The terrifying fear of failure is daunting, and I’m haunted by the fact I will be alone in a cut-throat city.

I will miss my support system of friends out here, and I hope to spend time with everyone before I leave because I will need you when I’m out there more than any other time I have ever needed you.

Last Bay Area Audition Tomorrow.

2008-10-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

Into the Wood's audition really crept up from right behind me. I remember receiving an email from the artistic director saying i've heard great things about your work, I hope you can come out to the audition. It amazes me how far a little genuine compliment will get you because I have in my head since that e-mail, I'm going to audition for this production. That was back in May perhaps it was April. So much so that my move date for New York has not been set yet because the status of this production has not yet been determined. I decided that I will either move January 10th or Feb 9th depending on what happens with this audition. It's been in my mind this way since August, and now all of a sudden it's tomorrow?!?

It's such a strange thing because I'm feeling really ill prepared, but the truth is that I'm singing a song that I know very well. I know the show well enough, and I'm no more prepared than I was for WSS or Do I Hear a Waltz auditions. I think because I have built this event up so much in my mind, and a lot is riding on it - it feels like a bigger deal than it I know it is.

It doesn't matter if I don't get this show. You win some and loose most. It's not like Maria which was a dream role for me, but it's a show that I love and I think it would be fun to do. However, it's very different to not get a role in a show that you really want versus getting a role in a show that you think would be fun. The very first time I started to become obsessed with a show in this weird I want to get a role way was Throughly Modern Millie, and it was my first audition since I started studying with my new interum teacher. I had just come off 9 months of studying with someone who was not working for me, and I had to go into some vocal rehab, and then came the Millie audition. I knew it was going to be the first audition that I really really wanted since all the mess, so, I obsessed over it. Listened to the soundtrack everyday. practiced every song everyday. Jumped into tap classes 4 or 5 times a week to brush up on my skills. I had a voice lesson right before I was going to audition, and after singing through my two songs, I basically paralized myself with fear. I drove half way there, and TURNED AROUND! I called the emergency number listed, and said," I'm sorry I can't comitt to the performances", and I TURNED AROUND! I didn't even audition.

A feeling of releif came over me, and I wasn't sure if I had made myself that miserable about "failure," if it was because it had been so long since I had sung well, or if I had put myself through all this unnecessary pressure causing loads of stress! I started to comptiplate whether or not I had bordered insanity or if I was just infact not prepared, which was the excuse I sent to my brain. "I'm just not ready" This was at DLOC for goodness sake, not a Broadway Revival.

That was two years ago. I have come a long way in those two years. I hadn't been like that about a show until West Side Story. Luckily, it wasn't as bad because I was starting to get cast in stuff again, and I had played leads roles since. Plus, at the time of the audition I happened to be in another show. Thus, I really didn't have the time to obsess in the way I did for Millie. When for a split second I thought I wasn't going to be Maria, I was beside myself for a few days because I had prepared for that audition for a year. I knew it was coming, and I wanted it soooooooooooo badly. I could not imagine being so close AGAIN for the second time to play such an incredible role and then miss it, again. When I didn't get Mabel in Pirates, I thought meyeah.... I'll get it next time.

Now I'm faced with the Woods audition, and I'm not sure how I'm going to react because I have become obsessed with the show, but in a different way. I would love love love to play Cinderella or Bakers Wife or even Rapanze, but I think I would be disappointed and hope for the next time I'll get to play the part. Not sitting in my car bawling for 15 minutes before attempting to drive home slurring "Win some loose most" into the answering machine of my so not available boyfriend at the time.

I'm not sure how I'm going to react about these auditions. I can already tell you that I'm feeling "ill prepared," and I think it's because I discovered how stiff my competition is because there are over 100 people auditioning. Egads. This ill prepared bull has got to escape my mental physcie otherwise I will never hack it in New York. It's the "Oh, I wasn't really prepared that's why I didn't get it." Put the negative energy out there, and the negative results will happen.

So, I'm trying to change my attitude, and thinking about how I'm going to go in there and nail that audition tomorrow! All I have is my very best, and if there is someone else that can do the role, then I'll go do the role in New York.

Talulah meets Squeaks

2008-10-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

and it has been slow going.

Since moving back home, I have subjected two very comfortable and happy dogs to the evilness of this great spectacular cat.

Talulah is doing much much better than Gus, but it's going to take a lot a lot of time. Gus cries and cries and cries and cries while Ashley holds him down. Squeaks minds about her narcissistic self and stands in front of the mirror watching herself or she snuggles deep down into my arms. Shes hissed a few times, but she has not tried to swat at either one of them. Talulah shakes vigorously for a few minutes until she finally calms down, and Squeaks feels OK about being near her. Yet, Squeaks is still afraid, and runs away.

It all looks very promising.

Friday Crash Day

2008-10-05T22:09:00.001-07:00

Exhaustion overwhelmed me when the alarm clock went off at 6:00am on Friday. So, I resent the alarm for 7:00am, and decided to head to work just a little bit earlier because dinner with my New York roommate would be nice to get out of work a little early to start the preparations for dinner. Plus it’s been a week since the commuting began, and the amount of driving is starting to get to me.

8:00am and I’m in the car heading to work, and for the first time no illegal activity went down. Focused and alert not singing and not on the phone, I turned right on the 2-way 2 lane road on the way to work. Luckily, I was caught behind a catalac that forced me to drive under the speed limit. The catalac turns right at the bottom of the hill as I continue on thinking about work and all the image pathing to be done, the BMW convertible decides to flip an illegal u-turn about 100 feet in front of me.

Panicked, I start slamming on my breaks, and he’s panicked because he has completely stopped and is perpendicular to the road.
I’m not stopping.
I’m not slowing down, but I’m only going 30 miles per hour.
There’s nowhere for me to go.
I jerk the wheel to the left, but there is a car coming in the other direction.

Clutching to the wheel for support, my eyes began to fill with tears as I slowly slammed into his stopped car.

The bumper on the passenger side of the car completely peeled away from the car, and the remenets of the right light lay in front of the vehicle. The wheel well of my car completely bent in making the car not drivable, but I didn’t realize till after.

After exchanging information, I drove my not drivable car into the parking lot of my work, and began making my series of phone calls once I calmed down from my hysterical state.

So, I know that I’m not known for my impeccable driving skills, and being a little de focused while singing, talking on the phone or what not. I WAS LEGITAMETLY not doing anything this time.

The towing company set up by my insurance company came and hooked the car up and sent it out.

Enterprise came over to pick me up to get my rental car. After spending 20 minutes walking around the building to find the driver, I get into the weed smelling vehicle and prayed to arrive alive.

Then the waiting begins compounded with the frustration for having to go through this horrible stressful process, and the tears begin to stream down my face. Knowing it’s not Enterprises fault, I tried to contain my emotional rollar coaster of emotions, but could not find comfort in the small lame small talk the young lady who went to my college tried to partake in. When the “Please stop talking to me looks” did not work, I tried the “Im going to peel your skin off with my eyes, and I’m going to do it slowly” finally made her uncomfortable enough to just stop talking to me. I did not want to chat about theatre, Sonoma State, people we used to know. I just wanted to sit here quietly and wait for my car to arrive.

“We only have a truck will that be ok for you?”

“No,” I screamed as I lept across the counter and began pulling out her hair.

Fine. I just said no it would not be ok because I drive a hybrid Honda civic. You want to give me a truck. Are you serious?

So, it’s back into the weed smelling car with the smalltalk gal and some other guy that we’re going to drop off at the deelers. 5 minutes into the car ride, they have the perfect car for me. So, we turn around back to Enterprise and I’m plopped into a 70 dollar a tank gas guzzling SUV that is on empty.

Then I have to get to the Auto Body Shop, but I’m stuck in Suberbia land, and I have NO IDEA how to get about. Going to an Auto Body Shop in the middle of residential land doesn’t give me an overwhelming sense of you’re going in the right direction. Three hysterical phone conversations later, I finally arrive at the body shop. Everyone there parts ways and burries their face into their perspective desks because they have no idea how the crazy lady is going to react. My poor father, I screamed at him as if it was his fault that all this crap was happening to me, and the people at the auto place could not figure out why it was so difficult for me to get to the auto place. I’m used to San Francisco. It’s 7 miles long. Getting off the freeway and driving 8 miles to your location is foreign to me.

That was the end to my already stressful week. As tomorrow approaches, I long for a much happier and prosperous week.

Do I Hear a Waltz?

2008-10-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

As I’ve stated before, I’ve started rehearsal for “Do I Hear a Waltz” playing at Masquers Playhouse in Pt. Richmond. The musical is written by Arthur Lawrence, composed by Richard Rogers with lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.. On Oscar Hammerstein’s death bed, he said to Sondheim, “Please write with Rogers.” So, Mary Rogers (composer of Once Upon A Mattress) called Sondheim, and said please do this musical with my dad. Although Sondheim’s first composed musical, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum., was a huge success. He kept his promise to Hammerstein. Then this amazing little gem of a musical came despite the struggle between the lyricist and the composer, and played on Broadway for a shortish amount of time.

The lead character, Leona, comes to Venice, Italy. She stays with Fioria, along with Jennifer and Eddie Yaeger, and Mr. and Mrs. McIlhenny. The bitter sweet musical will take you on a journey into the insight of relationships.

I get to play the trophy wife, Jennifer Yaeger. I’m really drawn to this musical because it’s very “ironic.” I laugh inside because Brecht was the semester that I had the most trouble, and now I’m working on a musical that’s all about it! This up-tempo catchy really happy tune, but the lyrics are so horrible. - about a girl who is getting beaten by her husband, drinking in bed, a husband who acts homosexual, but “we’re gonna be ok.” It’s a great number. I also get to sing one of the most beautiful ballads in the whole show, “Moon in my Window.” The rest of the cast is extremely talented, and I am looking forward to working with this incredible talented cast. I hope that my website is done by the time the show goes up.

It’s going to be a good show, but the drive might kill me.

Time Flies

2008-10-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

Remember when I wrote this?

I re-read it this morning, and balled my eyes out. It's been a year already with so much change, and the daunting feeling of knowing that separation is coming looms over me, but more than anything.... I think... well, let's start here:

The past few years have been extremely difficult for me as I try to figure out my controlling relations, trying to find my squashed voice while balancing an appropriate amount of compassion to my own imperfections. It's been excruciatingly tough for me, and my family has gotten the brunt of it. Especially, her, and she is family.

I hope she knows how much I appreciate her in my life, and how lucky I am to have such an amazing person that would drop everything just to give me a hug. I know she hears what I don't say, and offers guidance in the midst of my confusion. I'm not exactly sure what I'll do without her immediate company after I move. So know that I am so grateful, and love her dearly.

The end of Chapter 2

2008-10-01T10:16:00.001-07:00

October 1, 2008 marks the beginning of my transition period. It’s been hard for me to connect and feel close because I have been so… just disconnected.

This weekend was extremely hard.

The alarm clock went off at 6:00am on Saturday morning, but I had already been anxiously tossing and turning since 5:30am waiting for the sound of that awful alarm. I jumped out of bed, and began packing my car with the small boxes. My dear friend J made us breakfast, and my sister with Boyfriend arrived and finished packing up my beautiful house.

I went back to clean on Saturday and Sunday, and mopped the floor with tears and soap water.

I knew that moving was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize that it would be this hard. I loved my San Francisco apartment with my great friends in the building. It felt like I had roommates, but my own room. It felt like a home – my home - now it’s all packed up in my sister’s garage, and I’m living out of a suitcase.

It’s a strikingly empty feeling. I’m feeling completely alone, even though, I’m not. In this heavy transition, I find my only comfort is rehearsal.

Goodnight San Francisco, I will miss you deeply.

I'm Alive

2008-09-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

but barely breathing. I have about 15 minutes before I have to get on the road to go to my AWESOME new job! It's really the best job ever. I drove home bawling because it is a lot harder to leave an awesome job, amazing friend and adorable cute little apartment. It breaks breaks breaks my heart, but I'm still moving!

The house is disgusting! How is it that one person can have SO MUCH STUFF. It's incrediable how much stuff I have, and believe me, I have been ruthless about what to keep and what to get toss. I'm pretty sure that I have chucked the majority of my stuff, but I'm still left with so much crap.

Ok, so it's mostly cloths shoes kitchen and books, but I AM NOT GETTING RID OF ANY IT.
I love my shoes, and I did part with a lot of them, but I held on to a lot of shoes. Packing is hard, and it's a pain.

I don't have a lot of time. Saturday my sister is coming up to load up and load into storage. Then I have to come back into the city finish cleaning take the last load and the cat. Then go to a show Saturday night, and attend an important family bbq sunday afternoon, THEN go to my first Waltz rehearsal. Um, when am I going to do the walkthrough? Do you think my landlord will make me pay for a week if we do it NEXT weekend? Do I have to be in the walkthrough? All these questions. questions. questions.

So the next couple of days just seem like a lot of driving, a lot of miserableness, and lack of sleep. I hope that my age hasn't caught up with me, and that I can still manage to produce in tough stressful times.

Chapter 2: Pre Movin

2008-09-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today marks the first day at the new job location. I suppose that as I grow comfortable with becoming an independent contractor, the idea of starting a new onsite job won't be as terrifying. Yet, Im nervous.

Wish me luck!

Let's Have Dinner Tomorrow

2008-09-19T13:42:00.001-07:00

On Thursday, I said, "I got a job! Let's celebrate and drink a bottle of wine tomorrow."

Response: "Great! I'll call you tomorrow."

Thanks to freedictionary.com, I discovered the actual definition of tomorrow is: the day after today. I thought I better second check myself because when you didn't call for the ENTIRE day of Friday, I started to worry that, perhaps, I don't know what tomorrow means. Perhaps, we were speaking a different language and you didn't understand what tomorrow actually entails. I started to wonder, if perhaps, in some cultures tomorrow actually is within a 48 hour period and not 24 hours because in that case, you would be ok, and the fact I seriously stared at my computer screen for 16 hours waiting for your effing phone call would be on me. Please don't think that I was not an active participant in trying to get a hold of you. I called you every fifteen minutes since 5pm on Friday afternoon. Each time I called I thought, "someone is dying right now from a drunk driving accident."

I took a break from computer and wall staring to go to sleep, and OH THEN YOU CALL....at 1am. Technically speaking, that is not tomorrow. 1am on Saturday morning is not the day after today considering we spoke on Thursday.

Something that actually gets me is the fact I instantly felt anger about your no show. I didn't worry that you weren't safe, that maybe you had a car accident, or maybe you were in the hospital. Oh no, I KNEW instantly that you were either sitting at home screening my phone calls or out with other friends. Nevermind, knowing this is my last weekend in San Francisco, and I turned away my other friends who wanted to hang out because I wanted to hang out with you.

The other thing that really gets me. Actually, it eats me alive like a effing parasite in my heart, it's that I put up with it. I have taught you that it's ok to treat me like this. It's ok that you are not doing what you said you were going to do. It's ok that you say you're going to call and then you don't. Don't get me wrong, you're an idiot, but the truth is: I'm the bigger one.

Back to the Salt Mines

2008-09-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

Positive things happening in this wonderful time of unemployment:

I went to a job interview landed a contracting gig until December 31st, and I am extremely happy! Extremely. Only con is that it's in the east bay which is close to my rehearsal, all great, except working in my voice lesson located in San Francisco. That is a little tricky, but it's ok. We can get the ball rolling. I'm happy to be moving forward with plans to move to New York, but I'm dealing with the headache of income tax and being an independent contractor. Luckily, I've got my awesome awesome family to support and help me. Thank you really truly a million!

I also land a job and then head to wine country. I'm happy to be getting to all the places that I love and should spend some serious time because I'm moving.

Anyway, I'm also getting to see some really great musical theatre in the bay area! Yesterday, I saw the preview for Broadway by the Bay's rendition of Into the Woods, and their run started off with a bang! I've been reluctant to talk about/review shows that I have recently seen because it is artistic creativity that everyone seems to have different opinions about. I realize that what I am about to tell you is my sole opinion, and that's it: nothing more and nothing less.

The absolute highlight was the witch. She has an amazing amazing voice which I have remembered since I heard her at callbacks for everything I was called back for this summer. She is truly an exceptional talent with an incredible belt and soprano that she easily shifted styles with gracefulness and elegance. Cinderella was cute and bubbely, and nailed those difficult Sondheim pieces that give the misconception of being easy. The music is by no means easy! Very talented cast. It was great to see an old teacher and director perform in a role that was obviously written for him. Marc Jacobs did an excellent job as the narrator.

The sets were beautiful. The bean stalk is a tricky tricky set piece, and it was the only moment that I thought -ek, that looks a little just not right, but what else could they do? It's tricky, but it looked a little odd compared to the set pieces that were amazing.

Of course there were a few technical errors that are to be expected in every performance especially at a preview. There were a few moments that actors were not in the light or they were not lit. You could only see shadows on their faces. The mics weren't on when the actor had already started talking. The mic for the wolf/prince was scratchy and ruined a few great moments in the wolf song... sadly.

Broadway by the Bay produces an excellent calibar of shows for theatre lovers in the bay area. I highly recommend this production. It's great.

I also got a chance to see the Tony Award winning production of Spring Awakening, which was amazing in it's own ways with lots of amazing amazing music. Plus, I got to see ACLO's Grease that is showcasing a lot my friend's incredible talents and gifts. On the whole, the past two weeks have been stressful, whirl-windy and good.

I'm eager to enjoy the last weekend of freedom, and then get back to work on Tuesday.

Searching for Comfortable in the Uncomfortable

2008-09-17T16:05:00.001-07:00

I'm really surprised with how lazy I have become during unemployment. My concept of "time" is all off. I find myself saying things, "I'll put my laundry away later because I have tons of time. Then three days later my laundry is sitting in the basket and it keeps getting transfered from bed to basket to bed to basket, and each time I say to myself - it's ok I have tons of time!

It amazes me how productive I am when every moment of my day has an accountable task and the moment that I don't have anything to do the amount of stress piles up on my wee brain, and I start to buckle and beg for the internet to save me.

I need to get used to this lifestyle. This is the lifestyle that New York will bring me. Is it really difficult to find a lucrative, challenging, mind engaging and flexible job that will allow me to sing on broadway? Yes, yes it is. I have not given up. I will continue to work. I will continue to pursue contracting positions. I will continue to work hard and do what it takes to eat. to save money. to get to New York. I will do what ever it takes, but I have to remind myself that it takes time. I'm all about this instant gratification, and it takes time.

It's difficult to balance the different opportunities that comes across my desk because I am all about instant gratification, and so if a job comes up for 12.50 an hour for the next 5 months - I am inclined to take it, but NO. Take the time to find something that works. See - this is stressful. I can hardly even write about it anymore.

Week 2 Day 2

2008-09-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

I thought that today was going to be lucky because I thought had a temp job lined up, but alas, I did not. I have been spending most my of my days designing and developing my acting portfolio, which yes hopefully there will some media there. If I find the time in my "busy" schedule to actually record.

It's amazing to me really truly how quickly it is to fill time. Searching for a temporary position is a full time job, and my no means do I mess around. I wake up at 7am drink a cup of coffee and apply to jobs until at least 11:00am. Then things start to slow down. I can work on my portofolio, or work on some of the freelancing gigs that have come up. Then all of a sudden it's 2pm, and I start to feel a little bored, and so I put some laundry away or try and cancel tivo, and then it's 4:30pm. Yesterday at 4:30pm I went to a voice lesson and now today I am here with you - hoping that I won't be doing the same thing tomorrow, but full well knowing that it's exactly what I'm going to be doing.

It's ok because I am not wasting my time. I do not wake up and watch tv all day. I'm working on my website re-design and I want it to look awesome. So, that's what I'm doing - making it look awesome. I got the frame work of the simple design laid out, and now I want to build some of the more complex items of the website. I want the gallery to look pretty amazing, and I am going to make myself learn some PHP code so that I can make the website be more dynamic than just informational.

In between working on the websites and looking for work - I am keeping pretty busy. At least, I'm trying to.

The Unemployed Life

2008-09-15T15:46:00.000-07:00

Sure can be boring, and this is not the time in the economy to be unemployed! It is very difficult these days to find work. I have had many interviews with recruiters who have been very gracious in their time and trying to get me temporary work. I'm very lucky, but very impatient.

It's Monday of week 2, and I am already beginning to pull off my fingernails. It's not even that I'm bored because I'm keeping extremely busy with packing up my apartment, selling furniture, looking for a job, freelancing, working on my portfolio, meeting with recruiters and it all ends up filling up my days timewise. Yet my time is not fulfilled. The economy right now is really horrid too, and that isn't helping. I'm laying awake thinking, hmmm, should I take my money out of the bank. No, seriously should I?

(sigh) Patient A closed on Saturday. Granted, it opened on Friday, but it was still a good two shows. The show seemed to be well received and people liked it. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures from the performance, but so much has been going on I haven't had time to really think about anything else. Except of course unemployment.

Out with the Old in with the NEW

2008-09-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

You'd think with more available time I would be addicted to writing like a crazy person. Yet, what did you want me to talk about? How my life got complicated and the very next day I got laid off from work 4 months before my plan to move to NYC?

Ok, sure, I'll pretend for a split second that you have an interest in empathizing with me for a moment, but really you're thinking thank God I still have a job and my love life is fantastic! :)

I'm just kidding - forgive the negative bitter taste to my conversation. The stress of moving out of my wonderful happy apartment and frantically trying to figure out how to feed my mouth and save money for the next few months has been getting to me. I've put everything on the back burner except trying to figure out my livelihood.

I should get used to this. I'm trying to think of this as a sign because this is what my life is going to be like in NYC. Frantic, hectic, jumping from job to job. Not knowing what is going to come next, and I'm trying to embrace this change and find the comfort in the uncomfortable. I had a feeling that my job was going to get outsourced, but I had hoped that it would last until January.

In addition to the unwanted stress, my show Patient A is opening tomorrow night. With all this negative energy surrounding me, I didn't get a chance to really talk about the process. My mine has been defocused. I'm in rehearsal and I figure it out in rehearsal. Then it stays in rehearsal. I haven't had much time to really figure out and analyze the process of the show. I have loved working with my fellow talented actors and with the director who offered a lot of insight to this gem of a show.

The line memorizing!! SO MANY LINES. I mean lines lines lines. Huge speeches about a life that you must convey is/was your own. Speak as if it is the first time you're saying this story. It's very difficult!! Acting is hard and the market is over populated. Yet, I am moving to NYC. I can't give it up - not yet at least.

Do I Hear A Waltz?

2008-08-29T13:44:00.001-07:00

Let go of perfection and strive for excellence, says my good friend to me earlier this week when discussing the events of my callback for “Do I Hear A Waltz.”

I personally did not do a great job at callbacks mostly because of my lack of confidence, and lack of preparation. So, that creates a lot a lot of nerves. I’m full of clichés today, but that’s ok because I have to drill this stuff into my brain somehow. I didn’t feel like I knew the music solidly enough to perform it. So, now I need to figure out how I can curb my nerves even in those situations. However, if the director says, “Are you nervous?” THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING.

Let go of perfection and strive for excellence, and remember the most important thing is to just have fun! Sometimes it’s easy to forget. Just have fun. Fun Fun FUN! This is why I do this because I want to have fun! I want to have fun! Anyway, it was great to see some familiar faces, and I am incredibly lucky to be working on such an awesome show! Go out with a bang before you make the move! Well, there is one more show that I’m holding out for, and after that I’ll make the move. I’m excited and freaked all at the same time. Mostly I’m excited.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results?

2008-08-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I got typed out.

It's ok, really, I'm ok! He said, "I know you're Hispanic, but I think you're too mature looking."

I'll give you the full report, but I'm off to get my car, do some soul searching and then go to rehearsal.

I'm in the audition room now, as we speak...

2008-08-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

...and I'm number 50!

I'll have to give you the full full report later when I get a chance to sing, and my anxiety level drops one million.

Just wanted to check into my world instead of looking at all the marias there are here in this room.

I'm Leaving Today

2008-08-17T04:42:00.001-07:00

August 17th 2008

Having a family living 2 flights away for the last 9 years of my young adult life has meant: many tears, goodbyes, hellos, hugs, phone calls, emails but mostly, MANY FLIGHTS! Flying two flights three times a year means MANY hassles. Sitting next to a bright-eyed 22 year old New Yorker, I anxiously picked apart her brain as I embark on my new adventure. Yet, in our exchange, she picked apart MY brain about flying and traveling as she carried on her experiences, and for the first time I felt my age.

We sat on the run way of Charlotte, North Carolina for 20 minutes because of the thunder and lighting going on around us, and we both looked to each other in a slight panic. My panic mostly came from the sheer fact that I was now 2 hours away from New York, and I quickly discovered that her panic was because she was going to miss her connecting flight.

“I’m 22 and just graduated college and our family always drove when we went on vacation,” she said to me at one point. Instantly reminded of all the traveling hassles, I looked out the window to take in the thunderstorm and I knew this little blip would be exactly that a little blip. I was not about to tell her about the 6 hours I sat at JFK once because of the dark dark dark and dreary thunderstorm that made even the darkest new moon night look like early morning. I refrained from telling her about the time I took a red-eye and the weather/delays which caused me to miss my connecting flight that happened to be the last flight out of the airport. Yup, in the middle of nowhere, I’m shipped off to timbuck two with all my luggage and just me to shlep it around. Oh, maybe I could tell her about the time that they lost my luggage for 5 days, but they sent me a 500 dollar check to cover all the expenses that I incurred. Maybe a story of the MANY times that I have sprinting across the airport to make my connecting flight? No, that won’t comfort her Beverley…..Hmmm….. “Don’t worry, this won’t take long and you still have plenty of time to make your connecting flight,” I replied. Seemed the only appropriate thing to say, and for the record, I understand the condescending I-know-everything type of responses I used to get from parents now. I totally get it – I still hate it, so, I tried my hardest to sound hopeful instead of knowledgable. She took it well because she began to give me a glimps into her life in New York.

Returning from her recent vacation in the bay area, she compared where she lived in New York to Palo Alto and San Francisco with the only difference being that the public transportation was significantly better. She told me about the different sections of New York and more and more I started to feel comforted by the similarities to home. Yes, I know, I KNOW it will be completely different. The people will be colder, and I will have to experience the tourist – esk life of New York before I can really begin to find my way of life living in this state – particularly because I have not moved yet. ☺ I am just hoping that it will be similar enough for me to not feel completely isolated and empty.

Just as suspected, the delay took no time at all, and just like that the thunder and lighting ceased and we were getting off the plane. I turned to her, and I thought I met my first New Yorker – super nice and I helped her. I comforted her! Not exactly what I was expecting, but I’m not sure what I was expecting – her to slice my neck while screaming “I’m a mean New YORKER.”

I’m boarding my flight to LGA now.

Start Spreading The News...

2008-08-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sitting at the gate at SFO the tears are streaming down my face as I sit here acting as if I’m moving today. Over the past few days my thoughts have been filled with nothing but joy and warmth as if my own personal world here in San Francisco was coming with me on this trip to NYC. Choking on my excitement before and now I sit here feeling completely lost. I’m totally supported and incredibly loved, but yet, I feel alone. I feel isolated. I feel like I’m boarding this plane, and leaving San Francisco, my home and my life behind. It’s just a couple of days. Just a couple of days. I need to remind myself of it. It’s just a couple of days, but a couple of days that I wanted.

My feelings are getting in the way, and I’m loosing site of why I really am going to New York this weekend. I’m auditioning for a broadway show! Ha…. Wow, lets look at that again.

I’m auditioning for a Broadway show.

I’m still in utter silent shock. I can’t believe that I would attempt to accomplish this. I must be crazy!

I’m tired. My brain needs a rest, and tomorrow will be so amazing in everyway.

I Am Crazy...

2008-08-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

...That has been my mantra over the last few days, but I am working on changing it to: I am talented! I am fabulous! I am perfect for the part! I will do my best and have fun!Actors are crazy; they make things out to be bigger and scarier than what they really are in reality. The auditors WANT you to succeed. I need need to remember this. The auditors WANT you to succeed. They want to find their Maria, and I’m right here. I’ll see you on Monday. I’m saying that over and over and over in my brain as I rock back and forth in the corner: Maria is right here, I’ll see you on Monday.

I have been auditioning FOREVER, and now all of a sudden, everything that I usually do doesn’t seem like enough. My cloths are bright enough, aren’t clean enough, my voice… it’s just not enough! Beverley, it’s enough all I have is myself and everything inside me. It’s enough.

I am so glad that I did not take the time to really “think” this through because I don’t have the usual time I take to drone on and on about what to wear, where to stay, and blah blah. The problem arises – I make a choice – I mark it off my list because I have so many choices to make it is unreal. I don’t have time to dwell. I think this is a blessing.

I told a girlfriend, and she knew I would be falling out, and she has been so amazing by spending 45 min on the phone with me yesterday discussing every detail of a New York auditions, she looked over my resume, she answered my questions about callbacks, she helped me with my mantra, she answered every spastic email I sent her on BOTH of her e-mail accounts, she helped me prepare my audition book and she is amazing in everyway. I am so lucky to have her help and her brain to pick over. I feel less alone as I embark on this adventure by myself.

Two years ago I could not imagine living by myself. I moved.
Two years ago I thought I’d never sing again, but here I am.

One minute I am bursting at the seam to breathe, the next minute I think about how I don’t even consider myself good enough for Broadway by the Bay.

I told my dear friend this morning about the amount of support that I have embraced the last few days, and he said, “you’re whole world just hugged you.” Thank you friends and family I’m hugging you back.

Cost of Your Dream: $548

2008-08-14T14:38:00.001-07:00

August 13, 2008 began like every normal morning in the “quiet” city streets of San Francisco with my usual 7:01 am alarm jarring anyone within 20 feet, even the dead, and my starving kitty drooling over my face. “Get Up”, she meowed, “Turn that dreadful alarm off then feed me.” Discovering quickly that her meows had little to no effect on her staff (me) – she bit my nose. Love her.

Succumbing to her demands, I faced the day with my heart and mind filled with callbacks, phone calls, turning love sickness, the book I’m reading for my book club and my routine filled life that has up until now satisfied me to my hearts content.

Tweaking out on my usually 4 cups of coffee, I nestled into my usual work day. This time I was on a mission - do some research on the competition. Studying the movements and vocal qualities of this talented bay area lady, my friend im’s me. “They have announced the casting for Tony in the WSS revival.” Oh, I wonder who’s playing Maria, I thought as I typed: Maria + WSS Revival + New York.

Me. I’m playing Maria in the WSS Revival.

At least that’s what I thought when I saw this.

Laughing to myself, I jokingly e-mailed a few of my friends and said: should I go to this audition? The not so jokingly responses overwhelmingly screamed: YES! GO!

By 11:00am my brain filled with actual consideration! What would I have to do to make this work?
1) change my voice lesson.
2) email my director
3) finish q2 report.
4) find a place to stay.
5) Get a Flight.
6) get the time off work
7) find someone to take care of Squeaks.

Wow, the list seemed totally dreary and already I felt defeated, but I could not stop thinking about the fact that this impossible task really laid at my fingertips. All I had to do was really seize the day and all those other overly used clichés. Like an infectious disease the idea of actually going consumed my brain, and the mere thought of singing my favorite role at Chelsea’s studios detrimentally affected my mental health.

It’s Wednesday. That’s less than a week for my VERY FIRST BROADWAY audition. I continually turned to my friends begging for their words of discouragement, but I found only an out pour of support. “I will help you take care of Squeaks.” “Use my account for your tans.” “If you’re worried about money, I will chip in.” “Do it!” “You must do it!” “I’m so proud of you.” All this support showered my insecure self, but yet I could not muster the courage to spend over 600 dollars on a flight. Yet in under 60 min, I managed to find a place to stay, change my voice lesson, email my director, get squeaks handled, q2 report, and get the time off work.

Finding the flight, finding the courage to make the choice, accepting the fact that I am making an expensive decision tormented my soul, my mind and my spirit. Beverley, stop.
This.is.absolutely.crazy.

A moment of peace from my own thoughts came at lunch, which I shared with my co-worker, but by the end of the hour we were talking about how I was going to actualize this dream. This dream is all it’s been – how on Earth?

4:00pm I found my flight: $548! It was the cheapest I had seen all day, and me and the minans were searching!!! $548 seemed like a steal compared to the $1000 dollar tickets I had been seeing. Credit card info all typed in, my co – worker at the ready next to me, switching screens to my facebook e-mail looking, waiting, begging for… for…for what?
What exactly is holding me back? Is it JUST the fear of failure? I talk all the time about how I fail… I fail all the time. ALL THE TIME. Yet, I keep going to auditions, so, wait? What again is holding me back?

Purchase.

I clicked purchase.
Rinse. Repeat.

OMEFFINGGOODNESS! I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. I’m going to New York. Tears filled my eyes, I gasped for air and I turned to my co-worker who said, “I think you’re doing the right thing.” I typed: I’m going to all the people who seemed interested in what my choice may or may not be. The flood gates for fear opened and the pit of dread grew inside my stomach. Casting in college came pouring back. Auditions for regional theatre came back, ACLO next stop Broadway- really? This is a country bumpkin story of the girl who came from NO WHERE and is now singing on Broadway, but the comforting knowledge of my exponential growth set my mind at ease. For the first time, I’m daring to be the person I have always wanted to be. I did it on a whim – in the span of 6 hours leaving no time for “rational” thought to take over me. Excitement has taken over my life. I thought my usual insecure self would hide the fact I’m making this crazy choice, but I felt like screaming to the world.

I wrote my Dad, I asked him, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
He said, "R u kidding….I am extremely proud that I have daughter who is so committed to following her dreams forgetting about the potential costs…….that’s character and those type of people are few and far between in our society today…….you are going to be very successful no matter what you end up doing but one thing is for sure, you were born to be a performer – so go and don’t get discouraged with initial failures – ever – just keep moving forward…..love youxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

I woke up this morning, and I listened to the song I have to sing for the audition. The feeling of utter anticipation and excitement lifted me off my feet, and I started to run to work. For the first time, in a long time, I feel free.

You, Me... Wait a Minute... Just a Minute

2008-08-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

I sit down to write, but I can only think about...

I pick up a book and decide to read for this book club I have decided to join. The book is all about women hopelessly devoted and in love with the wrong men. Not saying that I am personally relating to these women, but I’m just saying that love is on my brain.

So, I decide to listen to some musicals to get some inspiration. First song:
“LoveLoveLove. It makes you do the things that otherwise would never dare to do. No not until a certain special someone says I care for you.”

Please. Can we talk about anything else except THAT?
No?
Let’s take a walk then - look for a clinic that helps with these type of things, but let's avoid ducking behind buildings this time ok?

Two Funerals and a Sad Heart

2008-08-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

“Chicken or Fish,” the stewardess turns to me and says.

“Chicken,” I eagerly reply.

Simple enough choice I’ve had to make many times over in my flying experiences in life because a) who on EARTH would ever dare decide to eat the fish and b) what are the simple-sited consequences? I mean, sure, you COULD get food poisoning, but you could also get hit by a car when you step outside your front door. Let’s not get all type-a super neurotic here and let’s just stick to the point. It’s a choice - an easy choice.

Some choices have not been so simple to make:
Should I move to FL with my family or stay and finish high school in the bay area?
What college should I go to?
Should I move to NYC?
Love him or leave him?
How do I move out?

These choices I tend to agonize over for months and months causing my friends to put in earplugs as I drone on and on relentlessly about these doesn’t-have-to-be-painful subjects. Yet, never have I ever been faced with: which funeral should I go to?

Until this week.

Unluckily or luckily, depending on your view, I am very late in life to experience evoking contemplation on the volatile state of life. My first funeral and I might have to go to two in one day? I might have to go to two funerals in one day ALONE? Turns out that both funerals conflicted, and I chose to go to the funeral of my fellow actor and friend John.

Rushing to Oakland at 6:15pm is quite the oxymoron when in fact I crawled as slow as I possibly could to Oakland, to the funeral service. At one point, I realized I could probably run there faster. So, I got out of my car and started sprinting across the Bay Bridge. Then I opened my eyes and realized it was my turn to finally merge on. Many points in the day, I contemplated flaking on the service by rationalizing the hell out of my fear. “We were only in one show together.” “There will be lots of people there.” “I shouldn’t go if I can’t handle it.” I had never gone to a funeral, and I’m going completely alone. A usual basket case, I welcomed the “I’m going to be late” sentiments to fill the hollow and numb feeling engrossing my state of being, except, being late only extenuated my aloneness.

Speeding, rushing, cutting every corner, I lurked the area for parking. Of course no space is going to be available. I mean REALLY? I rolled down my window, and in sweet solemn desperation I say, “Do you know where I can find parking for the service?” One shiny tear trickles down my face and he says, “You can park right here behind the Hearst.” Fine, you’re right - I didn’t have the perfect tear, but I did have the rock star parking spot saving me 60 seconds. I darted into the church and filed into the very last pew realizing that I had to sit through a catholic mass. In normal circumstances, this would have been fine as I have sat through many a catholic service, but I had to go to the bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom an hour ago, but I was rushing that I just held it. Now, I’m bursting. F**k. Wait, can I think that in a church?

I waited until the blessing of the bread and wine, and made a dash for the restroom. Whew! Perfect timing except for the part of me body slamming myself back into the church when it’s dead silent during prayer – Awesome Beverley.

The service was incredibly touching, and I felt extremely moved seeing the amount of people that John had personally touched. At one point, the priest asked everyone he had ever sung with in a show to come up and sing “What I did for Love” This little corner by the piano filled with people like sardines in a can, and I knew that some others did not come up. In addition, the church filled the pews with people supporting the grieving loved ones.

It was so comforting to be around my ACLO family, and to see people that I have not seen in so long. How I have missed their company, but I’m contemplating now why we wait for tragic events to bring us together. In addition, I was overwhelmed by how many people John meant to, but was he aware of how many people he touched? Are funerals more important to have before the passing of a loved one?

Yes, yes, I’m just regurgitating the “usual” questions we ask ourselves when jarring events occur, but why do we as humans always get so sidetracked?

Get Well Soon.

2008-08-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

What a week, and it’s only Tuesday.

Misery loves company, and I’m telling you I have been surrounded by tragedy over the past couple of weeks. The Universe is asking me to evaluate my life and reminding me that time is of the essence. Every second counts.

A dear friend recently had an accident that landed him in the hospital for quite sometime, and I feel… I feel… I don’t know how I feel. I think that is my answer to everything these days. I don’t know how I feel just mostly numb. My friend and I were super close for about 2 years. Then without a warning, we slowly but surly drifted apart, and now he’s in the hospital, and I’m not sure how to react. We had recently seen each other a couple of times, and we were defiantly on the way to patching things up, but now this. I’ve acted the only way I know how, which is to be there for him every second that I have, but I just realized just how far I am out of his life. It makes me sad, but I’m still there. I’m still going to the hospital everyday, but he did say yesterday that it gets a little overwhelming because people are there all the time. I don’t want to feel in the way, but I am in the way. I feel like I’m irritating, but I just care. So I’m confused, and feeling messy.

The tragedy does not end. A friend and fellow actor, John Stenger, passed away on Sunday from a massive heart attack. He played the King in Cinderella and was currently rehearsing for ACLO’s production of Grease. It was a complete shock to the ACLO family, and all I can do is stand by and watch my theatre family weep for such an unexpected loss. I JUST saw him on opening night of WSS. I’m glad that I spent the majority of my time catching up with him and chatting to him on the walk over to the gala because it had been almost a year since I had seen him last. November of 2007 was the last time I saw him before WSS. I’m shocked and I’m sad, but mostly I’m shocked.

My friends all around me are grieving, and I’m feeling cranky. Cranky, irritable and grouchy. Is this my way of dealing with all this sadness? All this – well this is part of life?

The Universe is Mad at Me

2008-07-31T14:55:00.000-07:00

I'm 26 years old and my face looks like I have chicken pox.

Seriously, I'm 26.

I should be past chicken pox AND the zits that are covering my face. I'm embarrassed to be out in public

Star Struck

2008-07-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have met Hanson twice in my life, and I utterly become a complete embarrassment to human kind.

Once, I drove to Reno from Santa Rosa with a girl I had just met to go to this special concert where you could attend a press release and then get their autograph. This was an event that I thoroughly spent a month preparing. I made them each scarves, and the bag had to be perfect in which I presented the scarves. I also had to have the perfect outfit – an outfit that I was only going to wear once. Turns out I only did wear it once because it got taken when my laundry was stolen. Anyway, I spent weeks preparing for what I was going to say when I shook their hands, and I wanted to make sure that I was not going to act all star stuck and I was going to be NORMAL d –it.

Well, no, that didn’t happen. I shook their hands and I stared at them. I would start to curse myself for blinking, and then I tried to say something funny. Ok, let me rephrase, I tried to say SOMETHING. ANYHTING. I mean I could have said… Hey I love your music. I could have said anything. Nope, I just stared and answered the question, “Hi, what’s your name?” Did I say anything remotely close to I-have-loved-you-since-the-beginning-of-time-and – I-can’t-live-without-you? Nope. Not even close. I’m glad I got my name out, but now I wonder if perhaps I should have used a pseudo name because now I will forever be the girl that stare drooled.

This was a few years ago, so, I figured when the chance came again I would be a little less “star struck”

Yeah, no.

November 2007 they did this “walk” where they walked a mile before the show with people who wanted to join them. So, I decided to go thinking that I would never see them, but at least I would be apart of the event. Oh I was wrong. I didn’t even get time to PREPARE. I got to walk right next to them as if I we were walking together just us. RIGHT NEXT TO THEM.

Did I say anything?
Not even hello.

I even got pushed into Issac, the eldest, and did I say ANYTHING?
Not even hello.

He asked me if I was ok, I nodded. I nodded? Nodded?!?!?!??! I couldn’t say, “hey, yeah sure I’m cool.” No, I become a basket case.

I was SURE that this only applied to Hanson, but alas, I am mistaking! There is another person in the world that makes me act like a complete embarrassment to human kind. Why? I’m not sure, but help me get passed it because this ducking behind corners to avoid you is not working for me.

Goodnight. Sleep well and when you dream, dream of me

2008-07-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

Only once have I laid in a pile of my dirty laundry on the bathroom floor and cried for two days straight. That is, until West Side Story closed, and now it has been twice. Ok, ok ok, I didn’t cry into a pile of cloths when the show closed, but I did cry in my closet.

I had two of my worst shows in the history of the run this weekend. I got stuck in the window during the Quintet, and I was a whole beat behind the orchestra. This would normally be “coverable,” if I was singing by myself. Alas, I had all the jet boys, all the shark boys and Anita depending on my to be on the beat. I couldn’t get back on because I was lost and I couldn’t see the musical director. I started to drown in the dark dark waters of “where the hell am I?” Then Tony came in at the right spot instead of following me and rescued me from the dark suffocating waters. WHEW! The 60 seconds that the flub up lasted caused me to be on guard for the entire 2nd Act! Nothing could help me.

Then on Saturday, the acting seemed to just be there without effort. Act 1 felt solid, and Act 2 was falling into all the right places. Until, “A Boy Like That” turned into “A Note Like What?”

I’m serious.

When I got to the part where Anita and I sang together, I made up my own notes and sang whatever. I thought… oh Bernstein, you missed this one, - it should sound like THIS. Ok, that’s not what I thought, but I could not find the right notes. It was horrible. I totally messed u p, and I couldn’t get back. However, Tony was so solid that night I remained in the show. Plus, it was the last thing I sang… so, it didn’t matter.

Sunday’s show was utterly fantastic!! I think that I cried throughout the whole show, and it was just so amazing to be part of just an amazing production that I know will be with me forever. I got to play my dream role. I got to learn a lot about myself, my dreams, my hopes and my aspirations.

I will miss you dearly WSS.